gabby

cosmic ski slopes
2001-06-01 11:51:01 (UTC)

Trapped.

I'm skipping first block today... my dance class. I'm too
nervous to do anything, I feel like I'm gonna explode
and throw-up and die all at once. I'm even skipping
dance, something that really makes me happy. I don't
get me at all.

The weather's okay today, a little chilly, but it'll be in the
70's later, that's what the radio said anyway.

I feel so trapped in everything. I'm so alone and yet I'm
suffocated at the same time. It's like the lonliness is
what's suffocating me. I even can't breathe and now it's
really getting to me, and the overwhelming feeling that I
don't exist and that all of the struggling to breathe and
all of the hurting myself and all of the numbness and
indifference I'm feeling while going through all of that is
just going to weigh me down until I can't bare the
weight anymore, until it crushes me and the suffocation
is complete.

My head is spinning... *SPIN* is something me and
Hun do. It's when life is rally good for once, we spin
eachother and laugh and we know that life is officially
good for us... The last time I spinned was Friday at the
concert with her and Nickie-Poo. But other than that, we
haven't for months... Nothing to make life good, until
now. I have this one little string that's holding me to the
ship and that's attatched to my life float and it's the only
thing- this one little tiny thread- it's the only thing that's
keeping me held to this object that is life. This material
posession that has never meant much to me and that
has never been something I loved. So when this string
breaks, when I don't have Nick anymore, I'll be lost in all
of the oblivion that is the waters surrounding me, all the
stuff that ISN'T life.

It's all way too much, I feel it in all of me tat it's just too
much... Too much pressure, too much hope, not
enough

I g2g, I feel faint suddenly... maybe today in the dr's I'll
faint and never wake up... Maybe my string will break
and I'll have an excuse.
vele


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