Ad 2:
2002-04-30 15:29:54 (UTC)

so i havent written in here in..

so i havent written in here in awhile.
or so it seems to me anyway.
it seems like SOOO much has happened in the last couple of
or week. or so.
i have no judge of time anymore.

i just got done with my first final.
and i have another one tomorrow.

then im done with my first year of college.

i picked emily up at the airport on saturday night.
i couldnt wait to see her.
i found her gate number and everything and waited like a
dumbass for about an hour.
anticipating her coming around the corner so that i could
run up to her and hug her.
i swear i must have looked at a thousand people that night.
see her the past few days, spending time with her.
has been amazing.
i feel so much more secure in my relationship with her.
its almost scary.
im not worried.
im not worried about college.
and im not worried about the largest of my worries
throughout this entire relationship, cara.
im done with all of that now.
and therefore i feel as if the air is clear.
and i can focus entirely on giving her all the love i have.
its like this huge weight and dred and just negative energy
stemming from whatif circumstances has melted away.
and all thats left in the purest most beautiful and amazing
love and friendship.
shes my heart.
always. and forever.
i was so scared with her going up there.
it would have been so easy, and almost likely for me to
loose everything that i had invest so much time energy and
love on.
so utterly easy.
and...i didnt.
it made us stronger than ever.
i said a long long long time ago that our love was stronger
than she or i even realized.
and i was right.

i have no room or right to judge cara.
and, i wouldnt even if i did.
i dont even know her, and im sure beyond a doubt that shes
an awesome person, because emily is so close to her.
but i can not help being a little...disturbed. i guess
thats a good word.
with what emily said she said that night.
i just dont understand i guess.
but then again...maybe im just not supposed to.

i remember when i was with sandy. and jennifer kissed me.
i couldnt believe that. i just couldnt fathom that she
would want to come between. or fuck up anything that made
me so very happy. i just didnt get it. and it hurt me a lot.
i thought then that i was more to her than that.
that she could just be my friend, because thats what a
relationship is more or less based on anyway.
and thats what i needed and WANTed at the time.
in a way it made me think that she was feeling insecure
about our relationship.
and she felt like she had to make some sort of power play.
it didnt work out the way she wanted it to, of course.
and im sure that was such a hard slap in the face for her.
but at the same time, it was based on her actions.
but her insecurity fucked me up to.
it was like i had this whole scene set up.
and she violated her role.
and sent me completly out of character.
because her doubts...made me begin to doubt.

but. that was then. and im rambling.
things are so different now.

i cant believe that im almost done with school.
it feels so great to know that tomorrow is my last
day...for a long. long time.

emily upset me last night.
she was talking all crazily about college.
how its going to fuck us up.
and blahblah.
she knows better.
we have gone through SO SO SO much.
there is no doubt in my mind.
but what she was saying last night.
bothers me.
of course im going to be hurt.
and again, it would kinda suck if i wasnt hurt.
im not saying im going to go crazy and become some huge
thats not my style.
at all.
and she should know that by now.
but, yes. i will be hurting.
sometimes when she says stupid shit like she did last night.
i think she just...forgets who i am.
you know.
like forgets temporarily for whatever reason that im the
girl shes been with for over nine months.
i know shes going to fuck other girls.
its enevitable it seems to me.
and i wouldnt want to get in the way of her college
i want more than anything for her to be happy.
and taken the situations weve been through thus far, she
should be well aware of that.
but i dont understand.
how she can tell me that.
one thing is okay for her.
but its not okay for me.
that is very unfair to me.
and for her to tell me that something like that.
would completly change everything between us.
that fucks with me too.
were more than that.
were more than that in my heart and my eyes anyway.
which is why i can be so cool and calm about her college
experiences on drunken nights or whatever else.
but she needs to be on the same level as me.
honestly, i doubt that i could do anything anyway.
i know that she can because...shes not like me like that.
but part of me seriously doubts i could even kiss someone

sometimes i think i love her too much.

her being at college isnt going to be that extremly
different from her being here.
its not like were hours and hours and thousands of miles
its fucking tampa man.
but i know she needs her freedom.
and im giving her all that i can.
i just really hope it doesnt get too bad.
as much as i wish i could sometimes.
i cant control my feelings.
and feeling unloved in my relationship.
and catastrophic results.

all of that said.
i know in my heart that everything with us will be fine.
somehow and some way.
it will be.

this is my heart. my love. my everything.
the girl i want to marry.
the longest relationship of my life.
and im one stubborn bitch.
and i know no matter what she may do or may say to me.
no matter how fucked up.
that shes not going to fuck us up.
shes a lot smarter than that.

nap time. then work.