CowieB

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2001-06-01 05:47:05 (UTC)

My Own Personal HELL

As you probably read last time, I am a little lost. I
didn't use to be. I really didn't use to question who I am
or why I think about the world the way I do, but times
change.

Here's the history. I have this Spanish Class. I'm not
saying I don't like Spanish. I love learning about the
different cultures and the language...and the food. All
very cool things. But this class, it is my own personal
hell. The people, maybe, my teacher, maybe...I don't know,
but they all are so bad. I walk out afraid. My chest is
so tight with fear I'm lost. I end up crying because I
just feel so low, like nothing. Is it possible? I don't
know...What in the HELL is going on? Beats me. Yes, I did
mean to use the word "HELL." If you didn't know, I don't
swear. Why do it when there are words so much more
expressive? I do it when I want to express something low,
very emotion filled, and well, just as the words discribe.

It cuts me everyday. It cuts into my soul or maybe what I
think is my soul. I don't know...I don't even know what's
me anymore. This dumb feeling has me questioning who I am
and my morals. Who does it think it is? Really my answer
for everything is, "I don't know." I'm all out of answers.
Here's another fact about me. I tend to tell the truth.
Well, maybe rosey truth, but it ends up rather truthful.
If you asked me anything I'd tell you what I knew...but I
know nothing. I'm too lost to help myself let alone me.
That worries me too. I used to spend forever coming up
with plans to help out, but now...I don't know. Maybe if I
help everyone else out it will eventually help me? Stupid,
huh? That's me.

Have you ever been lost? Maybe you were with your mother
at the store or at the mall, something. I feel like that
everyday. Just lost...no direction. I find myself sobbing
because I can't feel or what I do feel is an intense pain.
One that is so excrutiating I don't have words for. It's
fear, anxiety, loss, stupidity, just bad bad things all at
once. Let me be. That's all I ask.

Damn it. I wish this would go away...It would make my life
a little easier. I was going to take my final year of
Spanish in High School. Spanish AP! Yay! Yes, I am in my
fifth year of it. But after this, no thank you. I
couldn't stand another year of these things.

Please stop. Make the pain stop. I wish it would. I
don't want to question. I hate being unsure. Leave me
be. Please. Please. PLEASE. I just ask for one simple
little request. I don't need much in life, but I know I
don't need this. I don't need the pain. I don't need the
fear. I don't need any of it.

I wrote this letter a while back, but it fits my situation...I don't
really want to type it because it will bring back all the yucky
stuff, but you should know shouldn't you?

A Day in the Life Of...

This a chronical of my day. I get up and I go to school. I live
what I think is life. My day culminated in the Hell of Spanish. I
don't know why I call it that, bbut this is truly what it feels
like. I sit there spiralling into a feeling of dread. I leave
feeling lost and at the completely in tears each day. I feel so much
anxiety and just raw emotion - pain I have never felt before in my
entire life - I can't even breathe. My entire sixth period is spent
wallowing in sadness and tears. The odd thing about this is I don't
know why... No one has hurt me; no one has even "seen" me. I don't
exist and that for me is alright. This one period of fifty five
minutes makes me fear everything. I hate everything. I can't
imagine what could be bothering me. Everytime I think of that class
tears roll down my face and all the muscles in my body contract. All
I can think of is "Let me go home. Let me be safe." I HATE what it
does to me. I HATE how I feel and yet nothing is the cause and
nothing fills the void that it creates. Nothing cures my pain. Each
and everyday of my life is filled with unending agony and sorrow. I
would like it all to leave, disappear, leave me along. I don't know
what to do. I am so confused. Everyday I search for an answer and
everyday I come to the conclusion that it just hurts me evern more.
It's a never ending curse that is like a parasite feeding off my
energy and happiness. It steals my joy, my love, my confidense, my
hope...Hope is all I know. Like a train, I'm traveling down an
endless tunnel. No light, no end, just making mechanical motions in
the dark with no hope at all. All this fills me and all parts of me
each and everyday. It hurts more than any pain and suffering I have
ever known. My screams fall on deaf ears. Make it better. make it
all go away. I want it to leave. No more tears! No more silent
whimpers! I just want to go home. No more crying. No more pain.
No more - just let me be. PLEASE!

I can't call you pain or hurt or sadness, but you are a feeling, a
horrible feeling, one of immeasurable, well, I don't know... bad your
bad, really, really bad! So bad for so long, escalating everyday.

Ow. A pain that wells up inside. I can't breathe the....I'm drowning
in a sea of tears. I'm Alice...lost, confused.

No more silly laughter no more happy skipping no more silly jokes no
more...none. It's all said and done at the end of the day and only
empy feelings and confusion remain.

Life Jacket...I need something, something to happen. Something
different. A thing...a noun, dowsn't really have meaning, but I need
it. I need...I don't know.


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