camicazy

Meshed Up
2002-04-30 07:20:44 (UTC)

gush of emotions

and so i sit here this afternoon, typing down my thoughts
in a quest to find out why i am so distraught today.

i wanna be alone. i just...wanna be alone.

i am sad...very sad. i know what i have to do. i know what
i must do. but i don't know how. i don't know how...

my depressive fits...my depressive tantrums...what am i to
do with them? conquer them and throw them out of my life.
but it feels so comfortable here. so comfortable and nice
and warm...it is only here that i feel important and
significant.

life is so trivial. it isn't for anything. it simply is. it
simply is there for us to go through the routine of living.
for us to wake up and work and go to school and earn money.
for us to smile at others and to scowl to ourselves. for us
to realize that people are different and we must learn to
deal with them whether we like it or not.

i am sick and tired of people. i am so sick and tired of
them. i am sick and tired of everything that i have to go
through...of everything that we have to go through. must i
listen to your sarcastic remarks? must i see you do what
you did to me to others? must i smile at you even though i
feel like hitting you across the face?

i don't know what you want with me. you act so nice one
time and so rude the other. you don't wanna talk to
me...fine. then don't talk to me. don't expect me to start
a conversation. i can't be bothered to start a conversation
with you cuz i know it will just lead to nowhere.

you think you're so deep. you think you're so openminded.
well you're not. you're stuck in your own little box but
you think you're out in the world. you think you see
everything so perfectly with a clear eye but you are afraid
of what you do not know. you hate what you do not know.

i am trying to make sense of everything that doesn't make
sense. i am wondering why on earth am i feeling so
distraught when i can easily be happy. i am wondering why
the sun is up and yet it is still so cold. i am wondering
why people think i am something i am not.

and i hate being overestimated and underestimated at the
same time because nobody has the right to do that to me!

your voice ... is absolutely irritating! cacophony! i want
to cover my ears and scream! i don't wanna listen to you! i
don't wanna listen to you!

and most of all, i don't wanna talk to you! i want to throw
my dish against the mirror and hear the sound of glass
breaking. i am fed up! fed up!! fed fucking up!!

the sun is in my eyes. i wish everything was dark. i wish i
could see my little star. the sky is bloody falling. i wish
i could be like the birds who can just fly away to another
place in another world.

fly away peter. i see blood on my lips. it's dry. dry dry
dry. tomorrow will be a better day. tomorrow the sun will
shine again. tomorrow i will have to put up with you again.
and that fucking pisses me off.

can't i just sleep and forget everything? i wanna go to my
dreams...where everything is topsy turvy but everything
makes sense. what doesn't make sense makes sense and what
makes sense doesn't make sense. my kinda world. my kinda
bloody world.