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2001-06-01 05:31:51 (UTC)

Stupid life.

Hi there, You're probably thinking why would a person put
there private thoughts on the internet? How fun would that
be? For me, it's not about a self absorbed need to "share
my life with the world," but about one day getting some

I have this friend, named Christine. I have many friends
named Christine, but she is different. (All my friends are
different and unique though.) She worries me. She scares
me. Her unhappiness is a knife that carves me like a
jackolantern. It makes me try to look happy while I'm
empty or burning inside. I don't know what to do. Like
always I am filled with questions. All I can do is
comfort. Is that all I am meant to do?

Another fact of life...she beats herself up. Like many of
us she belittles herself. She doesn't do it for the
reasons a normal person would be modest or to get praise,
but she is truly sad, a blue person.

I wish I could heal her...take away her pain...take away
all pain from everyone. If I did then no one would
appreciate what they had, would they? Maybe I'll just take
away hate, complete greed, evil in general. That leds me
to another question all together...why would someone hate?
What is the purpose of being mean? I don't
understand...Revenge being sweet? No. It's not. It
hurts...hurts the revengee and the revenger. Sure instant
gratification, but forever the fact that I didn't take the
higher road when I could have. No.

There's my problem. I'm a door mat. Yes, I let everyone
tell me what to do. I went to our school's World Fest
tonight. It's a night where people eat food and watch
dances from other countries. My friend, Clara, asked me to
be in it, completely last minute. I said, "Yes." I didn't
want to be in it, but I did it...I did it for Clara. Am I
too much of a push over? My friends say I am and it only
ends up hurting me, but isn't it better that way? Me
getting hurt rather than others? Who really deserves to be
hurt or pain or any kind of malice in their lives? I don't

I hate the world for making me so confused. I love
everything and hate/fear it at the same time. Is it
possible? I don't know. Have you ever had a moment when
you couldn't breathe because the world held you so tight?
When you were so frightened you got dizzy from just being?
Yeah...I have that...everyday. I hate that. I hate that
with a passion. You'll see.