jtdarkly

Mirror's Infinity
2001-06-01 03:23:53 (UTC)

The Reclamation

I went out by myself last Friday...because I thought my
friends didn't want me around. I had emailed Marc about
the situation and asked him to call when he read it....He
didn't call so I took that as a sign...that he and rest
didn't care. But when I got to the club skitted into the
darkest corner I could find...away from them.. where I
didn't have to see them..or them me...But eventually they
found me...and you know what happened? They wanted to know
why I was there like that...that I belonged to them..and
made sure I went back with them to my place at their side.
I felt good that they told me those things. So it prolly
was some weird paranoia..well in part. I pretty much told
Marc how I felt...he really didn't respond...I wish he
would have. I still think about him almost everyday. I
keep hoping he will call...wanting to do something or hang
out... He did on Sunday..it was nice... I went with him to
do his laundry again and he showed me some of the places he
used to live..and talked to me about alot of stuff. I love
it when he does that.. when he opens up. And when I went
out again on this past Tuesday with them...he took my glow
stick like he usually does... except he sort of bit me this
time...but I still liked it. It is very hard thing to
accept...knowing that you want to be closer to someone..but
probably wont ever be. Nickie P and I talked again.. he
seemed to think I wasn't talking to him as much because
Drew told me not to cause of the stuff that happened at the
party...I assured him that was not it. I told him that
although fun...is frustrating and ends up making us both
sad. So we danced that night.. a little like we usually
do...but I tried to be good..I think he was disappointed.
He went on to tell me how he still feels about Josh. I can
relate...I am seeing how attractive Josh is more and more
every day....but I still don't feel the same about him that
I do about Marc... with Josh its more physical..with
Marc...I want to be with him every second that I can.
*sigh* I am almost moved into my own room. Doesn't seem
to be really affecting Drew at all... I make very clear
statements..he doesn't get it.. he is actively ignoring it
now. That pisses me off. Although I will be alone...I
know for awhile at least I must seperate from him. It will
be really painful since I will be spending so much time
alone...and the friends I have...dont really crave my
company like I do theirs. It is good...I just want more of
course. I am needy that way especially when I feel
alone...they would too if they didn't have each other. I
miss Andy B ....although I feel we are growing
apart...doesn't suck when things change? So I have been
waiting for Marc to work out with me.. but I have to
realize that isn't going to happen.. I have to do it for
me...or not at all.. it would be really great if he wanted
to do it too.. maybe I will ask Nickie P. although that
wouldn't be a good idea..probably should avoid time alone
together. I have been downloading lots of songs...to sort
of prop up my mood so I don't slip into a depression as
much. It helps...except I wish I knew more song names.
Ohh that bastard (j/k) Damian tells me he will call me
today to go out for coffee...does he? no.. I see him online
and yell at him.. he gives me some story...and then says he
has to go and will be right back.. does he come back? no.
I expect from him. Just still is annoying. Work is going
ok... I have been workign on some detailed design specs for
an automatic emailing piece. The only problem is I dont
seem to have enough to keep me busy lately. I hope that is
a good thing..not that they are really unhappy with my work
or something so aren't giving me anything substantial to
work on. ohh well....til later.