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2002-04-29 19:12:49 (UTC)

Cold Wet Shirt

Sigh. Back to depression. This cycle of ups and downs is so predictable by now. Three Tuesdays from now I'll
be scheduled for an uplifting of mood. Just watch. I can feel my nerves quaking with cold anxiety. Ugh. Didn't
come to school today. I felt angry at my classmates. I don't want to face Veronica today and hear her complain
about Kit like she always does. I feel nauseated by everyone's spite each other. I knew the hatred will prevail in
this small group of mother hens after spending half a year together. I don't have anything against women...
heck! I"m one myself! But apparently each time I enter a class full of females, they gossip and badmouth each
other behind each other's backs. Soon cat fights.

This depression feels disgusting. Like wearing a heavy cold wet shirt. Well, I'm literally wearing sweat because I
haven't showered in 2 days! Grimace all you want. Soon tomorrow early morning I'm going to polish myself up
from head to toe : shampoo, lotion, deodorant, makeup, combed hair, pressed uniform, brand new socks... No
trace of depression except maybe for a dull look in my eye which is inevitable.

I have a pretty good hunch what caused this downward spiral of mood. Something my best friend said to me,
well not directly at me but I feel as though she's giving me a idea that my life is too ordinary and uninteresting.
You know how hard it is for me to make it on my own?? I can't even make phone calls by myself without the
help of someone! I should be glad enough I'm going for a career with so many responsibilities. Why can't she
see my depression is not like hers, that I'm not stubborn, her advice works for her case, not mine? Every
depression has a unique cause and effect.

And to battle with what is real or not everyday while putting up this facade of normalcy for everyone around
me. No one can understand what happened to me years ago, not even psychiatrists or therapists or the best
brand new antiwhatever pill out there. Sometimes I wish I never experienced it. Other times it is a divine
blessing. And this resistance to Living is getting larger no matter how hard I try to suppress it by going along
with the mundane. I can ignore it for a while and pretend to think I am like everyone else and have the capacity
to carry one life under evenflow. But I always come across staring it right in its face and it's just inevitable.
Once I get out of school I think I'm going to take a few months break and start doing research on this.

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