Andy

The Boy Looked At Johnny
2002-04-29 18:58:30 (UTC)

Promises we break before they're made

I'm not going to be depressed, OK? But something needs to
be changed.

The thing with Lesli was dreadful. It played to all my
absolute worst tendencies, and not to a single good one.
What are my worst tendencies? I am hyper-emotional,
extremely impulsive, not given to communicate well in tense
situations, terrified of confrontation and easily swayed by
other people's reactions to my behavior. These all played a
huge role in what happened. What are my better tendencies?
I'm caring and sensitive and intelligent. That puts it at 5-3,
advantage worst tendencies, doesn't it?

I'm finding hard to not be frustrated. With everything. It
seems to me that I'm simply undateable. That's isn't self-
pity, either. Look: dating, love and sex seem to seriously
require some sort of emotional equipment, and whatever that
equipment is, I just don't seem to have it. I can't handle
it.

No more dating for me. No more pursuing girls romantically.
Fuck it. I'm incapable of it, and nothing good ever comes
out of it. If I don't kiss a single girl in the next five
years, fine. I can't be with anybody until something
changes. Maybe I'll have my shit together some day and I'll
be able to have a mature, healthy romatic relationship, but
this isn't something I forsee happening soon. All I see
when I look in that direction is misery. Until I don't see
that, there doesn't seem to be much I can do.

This is probably all total bullshit. I'll probably be
falling all over some Pittsburgh girlie in a miniskirt and
rock t-shirt in two weeks.

But fuck, right now I'm out of ideas.