Thoughts arrive like butterflies
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2002-04-29 17:33:28 (UTC)


today has been bad. I was walking home with G and E, then J
decided to walk along with us. I don't dislike her, but...I
just don't like it when someone invites themselves to join
in with conversations.And walking.
Anyways, it had been raining and very windy all day, but it
got horrible when I was walking home. I was so wet, cold
and numb. As I got nearer home, I got number and I was just
so angry with my dad and my mum for not giving me a lift
home. I wanted to hit someone, so they knew how I was
feeling. When I got home, sure as hell, my dad was sat in
the fucking chair watching TV. So I went upstairs, refused
my tea and listened to The Fragile.
I don't know why I do that kind of thing. Like cutting
myself. I've been cutting/scratching myself for as long as
i can imagin, and thankfully no on has noticed me. But
that's only because they've ignored me. Not saying my
parents have "ignored" me at all, just...they've been pre-
occupied with work, mysister and themselves.
I used to just dig my nails into my legs and arms and if I
was angry, my face, then I used knives and glass, even then
it was just scratching, though. Then it grew into carving,
and burning, but then I got worried people would notice, so
I just did twice the ammount of scratches. The only time
someone noticed my scratches was K in PE. It was a sentence
or a lyric-something I don't care to remember and I had a
plaster, a HUGE one over the scratching, so n one would see
it, but it came off-or something, and K noticed it. Now she
has all these really petty, hardly even scratches up her
arm. She thinks she's a witch, she thinks "Buffy" is a cult
film. Oh well.
When I was....7 or around that age, I was into witchcraft
(which I know know is a crock of shit), murder films(not
Halloween or Nightmare on Elm Street, real films of people
getting killed) Which they called me sick and demented, and
now they're the ones watchin oh-so scary films...Buffy, HAH!
I'm probably the only person-or girl at least who knows how
to use a gun, properly without getting giddy, and I was
definately the only girl with a knife collection.

Anyways....what the hell was I saying? Oh I was
angry with my dad, I had the worst earache thanks to the
cold and wind, I was dripping wet, and all I wanted to do
was go to sleep. I wet straight upstairs and *tried* to
sleep. I was actually too tired to sleep-if that makes
sense, but I was just about to drop off when I hear my
sister talking to the dog "hello baby, hello, aww, you're
such a GOOD doggy" as though she was talking to a baby. She
camein and shouted "HELLOOOOOOO!" in a strupid voice then
she proceded to make the most retarded growling voice,
which she has been doing for a while.
She started singing-or TRYING to sing, so I couldn't sleep.
Then said I didn't want dinner which in my house is SUCH a
big sin. So I just made a coffee to stay awake.
I came online to see if the bbs had changed, I came on this
morning and nothin was different. I come on now and still
nothing has changed.