camicazy

Meshed Up
2002-04-29 14:20:25 (UTC)

day on a whole

11.35pm

now it's 11.37pm and i do not know what to write.

i am trying to convince myself that i do not need to be
smart. nor do i need to be pretty. i don't need to be
friendly nor do i have to live to please people.

thing is, i'm pissed off at myself because i've realized
this a long long time ago. i know that i don't need to be
this way or that way, but i bloody am! and i can't change
myself! and it just...well...sucks.

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we're doing a case study on the life of princess diana for
media and communications. i honestly don't know what to
think about her.

this is me trying to make a statement:

everybody loves her...so i decide that i should hate her.

but then, in media class, everybody hates her...so i decide
that i should love her.

see the thing is, i don't know if diana is a good person or
just somebody who knows how to manipulate the media. she
was obsessed with her looks, her image...and i hate people
who are obsessed with their looks and image. she also did a
lot of charity..but she made sure the media was there. so
her 'goodness' could all be just a show.

but then, she did have a hell of a time with her
great 'goodlooking' old fart of a husband charles. i mean,
he cheated on her for goodness' sake. and he didn't even
love her. and he was too bloody old for her. diana could
have done all that she did just to get revenge at her
husband.

i suck terribly at math. but this is what i conclude:

diana = image looks media revenge

i like the media and revenge part...but the image and
looks? errr.....

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dinner time, trying to decide on pizza:

E: i want the aussie pizza.

N: i want the mexicana.

E: i don't like salamis and mexicana has salamis. i don't
like the olives as well.

N: all right. we'll go for an aussie then. (to waitress)
we'll take a large mexicana please.

(pizza arrives)

N: (looks at pizza) what the fuck is this?

E: it's a mexicana pizza.

N: what?! but i thought we ordered an aussie pizza!

E: no! you ordered a mexicana!

N: what?!! why didn't you say something?

E: because it seemed like you wanted to have a mexicana so
much!

N: oh. shit. sorry! i think something's wrong with my mind.

E: yeah. you're distracted.

N: yeah. next time you should order the pizza for us.

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watched sex and the city and listened to four girls talk
about the different kinds of kisses. the different kinds of
tongues that is. pointed tongues that dart in and out of
your mouth, big ones that engulf your mouths, and still
tounges that lie in your mouth like dead clams waiting for
you to do something.

lolz. that was sooo funny. looking back at the years...

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and so once again at 12.08 midnight, i conclude that i
truly am a dumbass. i do not know what to do with my life
and i have had it almost up to here with insults.

my grades are...well...not high enough. but who cares? from
this day on i shall try not to care about such trivial
things in life...like being smart or pretty or deep.

i'll be who i am. if i'm a loser then i'm a loser. if i'm a
junkie then i'm a junkie. at least i'm happy.

my internet life has been picking up. i love the mysterious
embrace of the internet (words from thy mysterious me) and
i swear, even if i am discouraged now because i suck at
computer design and i can't get my own fucking domain name,
one day i will move mountains.

to everybody who ever made me feel bad about myself: nobody
asked for your opinion.