2001-05-31 22:21:17 (UTC)

Does love exist?

Dear Diary,
What is love? Does it exist? what does it mean
when somebody says " I love you", to another? Why will I
never fall in love? Why am I not lucky enough to ever
experience the sensations of truly loving someone?
The one guy that I have liked forever is this guy
named Derrick. I doubt he will ever like me. Actually, i
know he will never like me. I'm too ugly, and unfunny, and
grosse. I don't have good legs. I have freckles. I have
ugly teeth. I have flab. I'm not that good at swimming
anymore. I'm stupid in classes and streeetwise. I can't
sing. I do have a bad reputation. I do have meaningless
flings. I do have a rather fake personality. I'm phony. I'm
a ridicule of society.
It's funny, because now that i think about it, I've
liked two guys named derrick in my life. My first derrick
was derrick sibert, at this private christian school called
SOL ( school of life). I remember, my crush i had on him.
The derrick, i like right now. Wait, no....i don't
like him anymore. I can't like him anymore. I can't take
anymore of this heartbreaking shit.
Whenever I see him, my heart literally skips a beat.
( now i'm just sounding cheesy) My blood rushes through my
veins. My smell and hearing improves. My senses sharpen. I
feel like i'm floating whenever he's around me.
I can't STAND THIS ANYMORE. whenever i just think
about him, my heart practically floats into my throat. It
makes me want to cry out, whenever i practically hear his
Perhaps, if i write how I feel about him. It'll make
it easier to get over him. Somtheing that I simply must do.
Anymore of this, and i might as well throw myself on the
ok... how i feel about derrick. He's cute, funny,
nice. has great sense of humor. Good taste in music. Great
sensations whenever he touches anybody. He gives the world
perfect hugs. He's a great kisser. He has this way he
walks...that makes me wanna like just write a book about
him. He's the sweetest guy i've ever met. When he talks to
a girl, it's better than getting 100 pounds of chocolate.
He has a way with girls. The way he dressses is soo cute.
He has a uniqueness of the way he looks and talks to
people. I love the way he talks. I love how he has the
great body. I love his uniquenss, and how he's not afraid
to be different. I like his intelligence. I love how he's
trustworthy. How he's a great shoulder to lean on. How he's
great at everysingle fucking thing that he does. The way he
drives makes me laugh. His smile is the best thing ever put
on this earth. It's soo warm, and smooth, and calming, and
reassuring. Surrounded by his blonde hair, makes him seem
sunny. As if one could always count on him to make them
feel better. I like his down to earth personality. I like
the way he talks on IM. How he is soo well rounded. He's
the type of guy sure to succeed in life. He's going to get
into his choice college. ( i probably won't...cause i'm
He's so out of reach though. Any girl would be
better than me. I hate my body. I hate my bad skin. I hate
my grosse hair. I hate my ugly scars. I hate my nose. I
hate my eyebrows. I hate my mouth. I hate my chin. I hate
my grosse arms. I hate my stupidity. My bad taste in music.
My weakness. My slowness. My unkindness. I'm such a
horrible conversationalst. No one ever wants to talk to me.
whenever i talk to anyboyd, there just replying to be
polite. I hate how nothing ever fits me. I hate how Mr.
Bhare thinks i'm a blonde, boy infatuated, giggly, stupid,
whore. I hate how everybody always looks down on me. i hate
that I have soo many enemies. I hate everybody taht treats
me like a piece of shit. I hate courtney, and other
freshman who think there the most fucking beautiful thing
ever put on this earth. I hate my hands. I hate my fingers.
I hate the blood that rushes through my veins. I hate the
ground that I walk on. I hate myself. I HATE MYSELF I HATE
I wonder why i keep living. here's a good topic.
What's the point to life. Really, truly, deeply what the
hell is the point to life. I'm never going to get anywhere.
I'm never going to get into a good college, i 'm never
going to get a good GPA...i'm never going to get Mr. Bhare
to think anything good of me.I'm never going to be good at
swimming anymore. My life's going down a downward spiral.
I'm never going to take good notes in Histoyr. I'm never
going to be friends with Blaize again ( because he's a jerk
to me for no fucking reason). I'm never going to stop
making a fool of myself. I'm never going to get Mrs. Henry,
my english teacher, to give me an A ( not mattter how hard
I try). I'm never going to be anything in life. I will
never affect anybody's life in a good way. I'm never going
to make a difference. If i wasn't here.....nobody would
notice me gone. Somebody in like 4 years might sya, "
hey....ddin't there used to be a girls that sat there?".
Nah...even that wouldn't happen. Nobody would remember me.
I would be swallowed up into a mystful nothingness. I would
be gone, happy, not having to stress over what a failure in
life i'm going to become.
I wish, i was never stopped from killing myself.
I better go.....I hope i will still be write
something else in this diary.

Until then............regretfully...

still here......................Christine