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2002-04-29 05:33:53 (UTC)


I am feeling a little depressed again. Going home this
weekend was good. I had a lot of fun on Friday when John
and I went to a concert with my parents. After that we
met up with Dave, Jay and another guy.

I left after with my parents after we had coffee. We went
to my Grandmother's property. It was great to be up
there. The only times I cried were when I was alone with
myself and my thoughts. I had trouble sleeping on
Saturday morning at 1:30 am when we arrived. I cried
myself to sleep.

I two days it will be the actual date of my Great Aunt's
death. I have figured out that I do fine when I am
physically around people. The interraction is what I
need. When I get alone I think about things way too much
and begin to cry.

I got back today and called John. He told me about the
exciting evening that he and the guys had after I left on
Friday. That got me all depressed. Dave left the coffee
shop the same time my parents and I did. He was headed to
a bar to kiss up to his boss a bit.

From there I guess the other guys went CD shopping. I
didn't remind John that he said he'd buy me two CDs for my
birthday and I have yet to collect on that deal. They did
some stuff and later met up with Dave. He had met a girl
who was all over him and they were sober.

Everyone went to Dave's place and they watched a movie or
something until the wee hours. It got me depressed
because it sounded like a lot more fun than I had during
that time frame.

I was also a little bummed because I didn't get to spend
time around Dave. I thought about him a lot this
weekend. I came to an understanding in my head. He is a
really good friend, becoming one of my better ones.
Anyway I'm not going to say that out loud because I don't
know what John would think about that. What I figured out
is that the online Dave is the great friend. I don't
hardly talk to him when we're in the same room.

Therefore it's all good I guess. I am in some way
attracted to the guy I talk to online, but not the whole
person. It's like he's such a guy when we're all doing
something, but when it's just us talking he's a friend who
is different some how. It's not like he's one of the
guys, he's an understanding, caring friend.

So he is two different people in my mind. I guess that in
some way makes me feel like my mental attraction to him
online is ok. I will say that I want a guy like him
around to talk to forever.

I sort of mentioned that I had, had a rough week to my
Mother. I didn't go into the whole crying nonstop and
then being happier than ever thing. I also mentioned
something to John, but I didn't go into detail. Also I
didn't mention that I was talking to Dave when the big
break down happened.

I just didn't think John would feel right about that. He
would have wanted me to call him and cry to him. I did
tell Jay that things weren't going well this week and that
I had been talking to Dave when I broke down. I kinda
played it off though like it was no big deal. He was a
little concerned that I hadn't called John about it.

Right now I'm wishing Dave was online. I want to hear
about this girl and to tell him about my weekend.

I don't know what I expected to happen this weekend, but
nothing really did. I was hoping to get some answers and
reach a better understanding of my Great Aunt's death, but
it didn't happen. I have come back with the same
questions unanswered in me.

Online Dave is still away. I played a game of spider
solitare and he is still away. I know he went to a vw
drivers get together thing today. John was going to go
with him, but Dave said there were better cars in the lot
than on display.

I am hungry. I have eaten three good sized meals today,
but I am still hungry. It makes me feel like a pig. I
think I am going to heat up some soup to eat. Maybe Dave
will get home during that time.

I'm not sure why I need to talk to him so badly. I
thought about him quite a bit this weekend. Well, I kept
trying to memorize the picture of him in my mind from
Friday. I can never quite remember all the details. Also
his voice is always deeper than I expect when I talk to
him. It's sort of a soft comforting deep though.

Why do I have all these mixed up feelings in me? What did
I do to deserve them? They are keeping me from my
homework. I don't know how to get the strange feelings to
go away. A year of not feeling quite normal has been way
too much, but to add all the newer feelings of doubt...I
don't think I can handle it.

I was thinking I would tell Dave I'd gone nuts, jumped in
the lake (I can't swim) and had to be rescued by a hot
fisherman or fireman...just as a joke. I don't think I'll
tell him that though. That is the little girl in me
coming out and wanting to play while the rest of me is
wanting to run away.

Part of the homework will get done. The paper has to be
done tomorrow. I think I am going to just use the
footnotes for books and fill in the online stuff later
on. My prof won't know that the stuff isn't from the

My soup is almost done. It is hot and delicious!