eidolon

shifting mists
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2002-04-29 05:27:53 (UTC)

return of the rollercoaster? ...

... well ... ~sigh~ .. i've begun therapy again ... though i'm not
too sure how much it is going to help .. it just doesn't feel like
what i need right now .. just as the group didn't ... ('course, that
might have had something to do with some negativity i was feeling
over there at HRN ... never can tell if that crap is my imagination
or not) ....

... the new therapist i'm set up with is supposed to have quite a lot
of experience working with the issues i want to go into ... but ...
to be honest ... my first impression was that he seemed a little ..
inept .. to me .... ~shrugging~ ... i guess we'll see ... if i don't
like him the nurse says i can change to one of the others .... but
really ... it feels so ... so ... irrelevant .. finding a therapist i
like right now i mean ... i'm moving north in a year and will have to
start all over again up there ....

... they're switching me off of Effexor to Wellbutrin .... it's the
weight gain ... fifty pounds in the last year and no way of shedding
it ... even when i was in the hospital and had physical therapy for 5
hours each day and eating completely healthy i didn't even lose one
stinking pound ... ~sighing~ ... i find this unfortunate because i
really like the positive effects of the Effexor .... it seemed to
help a small amount with my anxiety as well as keeping the long
stretches of MDEs away ... Wellbutrin, from what i understand, can
increase anxiety ... but it is the only antidepressant to have a side
effect of people usually dropping weight while on it ... the weight
wasn't really a big issue with me i guess .... 'cept that it brought
on the diabetes ... i guess when i reason it out that they are right
about switching me .... i just had hoped that my search for
the ‘right’ antidepressant for me had finally ended in success ...

... i worry about the Wellbutrin not working and my Episodes coming
back ... it could really hinder my looking for a job ... could hinder
a lot of things ....

.. you know, i know i don’t belong in a ‘loony-bin’ ... but sometimes
i sure feel like i should ...

... every once in a while i have this growing fear that something is
going to happen to tear Jeremy and i apart ... i'm not sure, but i
don't think that this is normal ... he does nothing to make me feel
as if something like that would happen .... so i know it's not
induced by him ... i wonder if it's paranoia being routed into a kind
of ‘fear of fate’? ... ~sigh~ ... whatever it is... it's very
disturbing ...

...he never talks about us actually moving ~in~ with each other....
about the wedding .. yes .... about looking forward to being married
to me ... yes .... but .. no mention of combining finances ... of
whether i'll be moving up there before or after the wedding .... no
mention of finding the medical care i'll need once i'm there .... you
know ... no mention of any of those specifics that are involved in
enmeshing our lives in marriage ... this concerns me ... (as does
this odd feeling i get occasionally that he wants to move back to
Ontario ... i don't WANT to move to Ontario .. i love the west coast
and ocean and mountains .....hmmmm .. maybe this is something i
should ask him about ... ~wince~) ...


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