Journey to Me
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2002-04-28 21:27:25 (UTC)

what else could make my life more crazy?

well it's been a crazy few months. sorry i haven't written
since my great idea for a book! but looks like i've got
plenty to write now.

for starters, i've got school work up to my ass and need to
do well on my finals to pull up a few grades. my schedule
for next semester is just plain crazy, but we'll wait and
worry about that til august.

next up, i'm not sure if i should be with my boyfriend
anymore. it's hard because i have so much fun with him
sometimes, and we have such a long history together. but
even though i love him soo much, and always will, it's
almost turned into a friendship for me. and that hurts to
know that the other person feel more strongly about me than
i do about him. that's not exactly what i mean, but he
loves me in a different way than i love him now. he is more
attracked to me now than i am to him. i'm not sure how that
happened, but i'm almost sure that's what's goin on. i have
so much i want to acheive in my life, a lot of which he
doesn't understand or agree with. and there are things that
i want to experience while i'm still young and able. i mean
that's what college is for right? i don't want to lose him
from my life, but i feel like i can't give him everything
he wants from me while also making myself happy. and for
once in my life i'd like to be happy, with myself. i need
to be on my own, but how do i tell him that? how do i
explain to the guy that's been my whole life for 4 years
now that i can't handle this right now, that i need to live
for me without having to worry about anyone else? it's too
hard and that's why i haven't done anything about it yet.
it's been a pretty good while since i've had these
thoughts, and although breaking up is what i know i need, i
can't bring myself to do it. i dont' want to hurt him, and
it's nice having someone to be with, to be there for me,
even if i know it's not what i need. even if i know it's
not right.

well it's off to another meeting, but i'll continue later!