Tainted

Disillusioned
2002-04-28 17:03:14 (UTC)

It's wrong but im passed caring

one B52
One Dennis the Menace
One sex on the beach
One glass of white wine
Three after shocks
double vodka lemonade
malibu and coke

recipe for disaster. oh god- what the fuck is the point in
drinking- i feel sooooooo crappy, arghhhhhhh.
twas puneets birthday thing yesterday we went to old
orleans where we had cocktails. we then went to finnegans
where it all went wrong. i think me a austin made a start
on making up- dunnno though- what a mess.
then i got well emmotional in the door way of finnegans and
it was blowen up into this huge thing which it so was not,
ended up in me reducing rebeka to tears and lots of people gathering
round to see if im 'ok' polly sent me this text this morning;

'hey holls, just thought id tell u that i loved u, and i still do,
and i will for a long time to come xx'

it made me smile. anyway- before i come back to the bad bits i'll
move on to the journey home. puneets mum picked us up and i was
sooooo close to hurling. when we got back i spent most of the night
vomiting and passing out- it was horrible coz i threw up everything
in my stomach, arghhhhhhhhhh gross.

i let wasen read the last entry in this heap of shit. was it a good
idea? no. she told me that she knew what i meant and that i used to
seem so smiley and happy all the time, but now i seem like i have the
weight of the world on my shoulders. i know its true- but i didnt
want anyone to confirm it. i wish i wasnt like the way that i am now.
she made it even worse- i cried. i spoke to ella bout it and she
agreed with wasen. but she said that it just makes me a stronger
person. maybe. i asked wasen whether i should let people like polly
etc read it. she said not to coz they'd have something to use against
me. lol- sounds like they're my worst enemies- not my best friends.
she said it would make me look weak. but i dont know whether what
she's saying is true or whether she now feels a 'special'
bond/control over me through me sharing it with her. i dunno- its so
fucked up i cant trust anyone it seems. i know i can- im just being
scarily dramatic.
i spoke to austin in the rain for ages- god knows what about. i was
soaked and upset when i came inside, everyone wanting to know what
went on. i dragged rebeka outside and we spoke about my failure and
everyones elses success. basically i told her everything that Was
told me not to. i was fuck faced- but it did make me feel better. im
trying to work out why whenever im upset about something rebeka
cries, i dont know whether its sympathy, or its because she's hurting
coz im upset, or whether she wants to turn the attention back to
her. know its not fair to say that. theres alwayz something
comforting bout crying with someone else. by the time i'd looked up
from a hug we had attracted quite a crowd consisting of 'the group'.
i want to go over all thingz i said to rebeka in a more sober state-
said she'd ring- i knew she wouldnt, but im not bothered. Wasen is
really funny bout this group thing. i think its because she isnt in
it. but she really hates all of them for being so 'exclusive'. i tell
her i know what she means. i do to a certain extent. but i love being
part of something, it makes me feel safe. but then security isnt
necessarily a good thing. but at this point in my life i think i'll
stay like this.




Ad: