Desert Eagle
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2002-04-28 05:07:40 (UTC)

parodox and my mind is in it

sigh...i had so much more to say a moment ago. stupid
feeling.hate feelings. stupid hate hate....stupid. i am so
dipressed then i'm not. only contradections. why can't
i justh ave one...ahh i want to scream to rip something up.
to distroy. and i cry. but why? i don't even know why i
feel this way. tears are so salty. i don't hate life
though. it's stupid though. ilove travis. but i feel
annoyed or agrivated by him...but why? stupid feelings...i
guess i just feel so alone. like i'm carring all the
weight. My nose stings. owh...pain...but from what? i'm
angry andi'm sad that it makes me so. another tear. tis
stupid that people read this...pain. and i sit and stare. i
don't get up until i no longer feel like sitting anymore. a
new wave of pain and i cry more. stupidlife. whydoi
feelthis way! i don't want tosleep. butwhy? idon't want to
do anything. why do i feel this way i don't want to sleep.
hate mywords...somuchhate ihate it.can't standit. can't
stand terms that repeat. keep going. i remember wheni sat
on a thrown made of snow out in the cold. then looking at
it later from a window. i donot want to sleep. why do
ifeelthis way? why can't i cryand whydoes itsting. why
can'tigo away? yet ido not want to. hate fantasy. i only
want reality. nomore dreams! dreams cause pain and they are
not real. i do not want to wishfor anything. long for
anything i can not have. i want more but i am sick of the
wayi am. evenmore so the way i used to be. escape! but no i
do not want that. i don'twant dreams. i want to be a
realist! i see why differen't people feel differen't
things, and geez i have to do my latin1 thatstupid
application, thopse cards, hate work. iam lazy yet i'llgoto
extreams for something i care about. why do i feel this
way? i want travis. but ami too dependent? am i. it hurts
toclingto him somuch. it hurts me.is that why i am
agravated at him. strange urges. buti need tobe truthful.
isometimes justy want to go away. wander away from him. but
i can't see. no i love him. there's appart of me thathas
notyet accepted him. butwhy....isupose i know. no icare
ohhow icare. i just wish i was inspired more by my
relationship with him. not worn down. but not always so. i
need someone higher than me buti amthe highest. i feel
soalone and i am agriveted. ilove him so muchand i want
noone else but i want more from it.....


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