kelzmb20

Afraid To Feel
2002-04-28 02:27:43 (UTC)

its all hitting...

The other night i wrote this, actually a week ago!!
here...
i think these entries shoulda been more in my diary :)

2002-04-21 12:28:23 (GMT)

think it all hitting...

Not hitting in the sense like Andre hitting the
hedgehog...but sense that its 'hitting' me. I am glad Trina
is ok, i'm glad she's better. And starting to love
herself..i think its all part of the follow your heart and
mind thing...for me...i just...i keep thinking how i want
to just crawl away, die, fade? be something...i've been
thinking about Colbee alot lately...it sounds crazy, but
kinda writing to her. I'm getting alot of 'feelings'
lately, i haven't talked about them, or chosen to maybe
acknowledge them, but something, something is wrong and
something-will happen, and I don't know what...i had it
chronically at work on Saturday, and overwhelming feeling
of trying to be told something, but unable to interpret
WHAT...a feeling of crowding, a feeling of wanting to rip
out of my flesh, a feeling of wanting...something i'm
unsure of.
I went ot my old flat today, the feeling there killed such
a part of me, just standing in a part of the room where BJ
and i used to hug heaps...just looking round, seeing him,
seeing...what's left...that room, that room-was the
existance of what i felt...big, empty, a fireplace unable
to be used, scattered papers...photos...a wardrobe...a big,
empty room...
Our room. The room we had the most perfect talks...never
really argued in, the room we woke up in every morning, the
room which 5 alarms went off in every morning to wake him
up, the cuddles, the hugs...the fireplace...a closed space,
ready to be lit, me...closed, scared to vent, in case i
can't stop, in case i say too much...in case i end it all
with a word...enclosed, memories, warm, aching to be
released, inside, behind the wall, cold and
empty...above...the photos...the photos. left behind...like
me. sitting...memories, memories could really kill a
persen...scattered papers....the way they dropped, fallen,
discarded...my thoughts could be them...not there for any
reason, abandoned...tossed...thrown. who cares, they
sit...unable to move...breathe...the door. walk away...say
goodbye and feel the numbing pain where once was the
feeling i never felt was imaginable...the joy, the
happiness, i was in the heaven we all created, and now i
was walking into a hell, my hell, my personal loss of what
was once my everything. Fear, Fear is strong...I can't make
these days...not alone...not like this.
I pray, and i pray, and i ask for guidance. I find a star
and it makes me smile...its so far away, we're all under
this one sky...was i so bad? did i really do all this...?
heaven into hell?? i feel lost like, the time i have with
others, like Doll, like Andre..is a blessing and will again
fall apart, i can't hold together...i can't...alone,
alone...alone. I never meant to hurt him, i never ever
meant to, and i did...and if...if i had never gone to see
matt...would...would BJ have ever called me again?
why did he call me?
why did he feel 'hurt' by me seeing him, why?
when he seemingly couldnt care less at other things...why
when, sometimes see him, hes lovely, affectionate...and
others, he pushes and he hurts? WHY??? what did i do that
was *really* so bad...am i that worthless it's ok to talk
to me like im so below him? is it ok to walk away feeling
so lame? when once, if i saw him...id always get a
goodnight...or a goodbye...or a hug...am i THAT bad?
why does he tell Andre he'd ' never get back with me' but,
at times hold my hand, dance with me, touch me...like we're
together? even if we're not, i could handle affection
better than the talking down...
I just need to vent.
i want to screamm.
I want to yell.
I want to cry.
I want to cut.
I want to end this all
I want to leave.
I don't want dad to leave...i don't want him to be in this
much shit...i don't want him to leave me, not again...
but he will...maybe against his own will...i want to be
able to ask him the questions i need answered...and i need
the strenth to find the power too...
I don't want BJ to never comeback. Not just for my sake,
for Andres...for everyones...*DONT* let him go...please.
I'd never show him the hurt, i'd never agonise the
pain...he will move on, has moved on. he is happy. then
there were the days only a little while ago...which he said
to never let me walk away, no matter what to never let him
do it, because he;d regret it, but never come back, so
where the fuck am i now? long, broken promises





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