kelzmb20

Afraid To Feel
2002-04-28 02:20:13 (UTC)

dreams

Another dream. the dreams drive me crazy, especially when
theyre about BJ.
I guess alot of you wonder wtf my problem is, no..its not
just missing an ex...sure, i do, i love to be able to call
him for a chat, ya know...but, its not him i'm just
dwelling on.
Its a mass of detail...past and present. Its very hard for
me to trust and just, i have a fear my dad will leave. I
don't know, its a fear, not a *feeling* i just...know he's
done alot of bad...i know how much he screwed me up when i
was little...alot of stuff that thru counsilling, and
without just blaming him, i know many fears i have, come
from back then...things like i have a fear of alone, like
many ppl, but i don't often sleep well unless in a room
with someone, or in the same bed as someone, thats not as
dirty as it sounds...like, after i moved out of Elsdon with
Angel, i couldnt sleep, we shared the same room. When i
moved out from after breaking up with BJ...i could purely
not sleep coz of the comfort he gave me by being there.
when i was about...4? (mom didnt think i remembered) dad
took me to taupo with his latest girl at the time...they
decided they wanted to go out partying...as for me, i
stayed at the hotel. when asleep they must have left, i
woke up petrified, i remember seeing shadows on the walls
and being petrified. I screamed and cried for ages, i don't
reemmeber too much more but a man at the window...the hotel
manager/owner, he heard me. i duno, i guess he let himself
in! but he called mom and mom went mental. Im scared of
being alone.

certain ways he touches mke at times make me crawl,
sometimes when he ses things i remember the anger i once
had for him, i remember hiding from him twice when i saw
him in the mall with my little sister. I remember the non
existant him i put in my head people would say 'where's
your dad' and it was an instant ' i dont know, don't care.
he's not my father.' when really it killed me. I didnt
believe he was my father, my father in the sense he wasnt
what a father would be. at the age of 3 i sobbed at our
windows when he didn't turn up to see me. Then disappeared
for years...it only hit me hard about 3years ago. Great
Gran died, and i think it broke me down. I remeber my last
conversation with her. I...remember i brave fronted for a
long time, its a shame i couldn't hide it physically as
well as i did mentally. Anorexia crept in pretty well. It
had years ago...i always had a problem with perfection,
feeling ugly, feeling down. Eventualy i needed it. it
looked after me. I held me as i held it...i just didnt
realise. neither did mom! till her friends started
commenting. It got me so angry. but, i also loved it, was i
REALLY that tiny? a teacher pulled me aside oneday, she
didnt like me ANYWAY and sed i looked really sick, i just
told her i wasnt feeling well, i wasn't! my art teacher...
i just wanted to paint...she got angry coz i didn't use
enough colour, that pissed me off. tecahers often
commented. certain ones. it was like 'im cold' then ' well
put meat on'
I'd give anything to hold that comfort again.
now i love things like lollies...sugar, i dont have a
balanced diet so i think i get my energy from there.haha.
anyway...i just thought about a few things, a few dreams
and my stay in hospital..im gonna copy and paste a few
things from mine and Trinas diary..if anyone didn't know,
we also have another shared diary...but a few things, i
wanna put here...




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