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2002-04-27 19:32:51 (UTC)

back to the mundane

Soooo... the past few weeks, I feel normal. It's funny to
think how normal I appear to be outside but no one knows
what's going inside my head. I feel a bit embarrassed to
confess my thoughts to my professor. He thinks I'm
schizophrenic, don't know if he still thinks that since I
do pretty well on mental tasks in class. After all, he is
a doctor, he can certainly point this illness out. I don't
think I am psychotic. More like my mind has gone through a
trip out of mundane life, so I end up with more questions
than answers. Anyways. Sigh. It's embarassing to be in
his class. I hope he doesn't think I'm another Andrea
Yates making up illnesses to get away with murder, in my
case classwork. I never mentioned schizophrenia. I just
said I thought there were messages encoded in the songs.

I lost a few pounds. It was because of that progesterone
cream I was using that made me pig out. You know, without
technology and medicine I'd still look like the way I was
back in high school. "Geek" with the horrible acne,
anorexia, and thick glasses. I figure ways to escape that
image by getting contacts, getting hormones balance out
with bc pills which packed a few healthy lbs on me. It's
from that experience I began to realize how much the way
you're treated is depended on looks in our society. I was
treated like SHIT back then. I was literally being stalked
and threatened almost everyday afterschool because of some
stupid idea that it was what h.s. students are supposed to
do to "nerds" or "geeks". The purpose of changing my looks
wasn't really for star attention, just to survive under
harsh conditions of this society which is shallow in many

Anyways. I am glad I'm going to move out to spain and
morrocco for a few months.

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