humming bird

my F***ed up head
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2002-04-25 23:28:36 (UTC)

what am i doing?!

i dunno what the hell i am doing... no one knows any of the
things im gonna write in this diary entry. scott and i are
just friends as far as im concerened but im scared he wants
more. he cant have more, i wont give him more. we were at
his house and he always looks at me and i cant hold eye
contact with him becuz im afraid he is gonna kiss me and if
he kisses me i dunno what i m gonna do. i cant kiss him
becuz it'll hurt. he is jasons best friend and i cant do
that to jason despite the fact he may not and he hates me
and i havent talked to him in so long and i cant get
involved with someone who has been that good fo a friend to
me and yet who is moving in a month. i cant get involved
with someone who is just gonna leave me. and i can tod that
to me becuz he is jasons best friend... jason is so close
thru him and i can do that. and then i like matt hyde
again, well i think i like him, i want to like him and he
lieks me but then again i dont think we r ever gonna go out
becuz he isnt ok with the way that i do things and just my
life... he isnt ok wiht the fact that i have a thousnad
friends that are guys it bothers him and i know it does and
he does to. and then matt nowa kissed me last night so i
dunno what i am doin about that. i dunno what thehell i am
doing or trying to do here and i am spose to chill with
anthony again. i just dontknow i mean i dunno what any of
them want from me...and i am missing hanka nd dont know
why. part of me wants to be with him again and have that
security and him...i just dont kow what to do i mean i know
he still cares about me and its been a long time.. almost a
year i dunno what anyone wants from me... i mean scott- i
cant sacrifice my friendship with him to start a
relationhsip that isnt gonna exceed 3 months. matt hyde- i
cant give up all my friends that are guys becuz he inst
gonna be comfortable with it and matt nowa- wtf does he
want ass does he want more i dunno and anthony ...well i
know he just wants ass and hank.. i know what he wants...
he wants me... he doesnt just want julie... he wants me
everything about meahhhh god i need to like freak out..
gota go tho bye.........julz

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