humming bird

my F***ed up head
2002-04-25 23:08:59 (UTC)

dear jason...i wish...

i know ur nevr gonna read dont even have aol
but thats fine, its a way to let it out there. i love you,
i miss you, everyday of my life i wish i could have u back,
that i could be sitting at ur house on a friday night
watching movies and cuddling with u listening to you tell
mehow beautiful i am and that u dont want to ever let me
go... not even just to go home an sleep for then night.
everyday i wish i could hear u say u love me and know in my
heart that it was true and that u werent gonna leave me. i
wouldnt screw up again. if i had another chance with u i
wouldnt do anything to jeopardize our being togeher. but i
am never gonna get any of the things i want or wish for...
any of the things i dream about and i accept that against
my will. i am so sorry... i wonder if i hurt you.. if what
i did really did matter to you and if the reason u dont
talk to me is becuz it is just to hard. sometiems when i
do catch your glance i wonder what u think. if u
think "what a btich" or if you just look at me and think.
just think about us, just remember us. i wonder all the
time if u ever think about me and miss me. if everytime u
told me that there is always gonna be a place in ur heart
for me if u meant it. if i still have a place in there
somewhere, i dont think i do. i wish i knew if u really did
care as much as u said u did. i wish i knew if we hurt
eachother this bad for a reason, i mean god if u still are
hurting i wish we could jsut be together again and then the
pain would disappear. there wouldnt be an empty spot in the
middle of my heart that nobody else could fill except for
you.i wish i wasnt so stupid. that i thought about things
before i did them, i wouldnt be in this much pain, no one
would be but i dont think... the only thing i ever think
about any more is u and i keep screwwing up becuz i dont
think about anything but u and finding a way to make the
pain go away. i knew it was gonna take a while to get over
you. i still wince evrytime i hear ur name. its hard being
friends with scott. i'm so close to you... just like an
inch away and yet at the same time i'm so far that even if
i had all the time in the world i would never get close
enough to u. i hated it that u couldnt just simplify
everything. why couldnt it just be i want to be with u and
u want to be with me why did we have to have all those
other lil factors on the side which ripped us apart. god if
i just hadnt gone to the game that night, i have a thousand
if's running thru my head tho. if i just hadnt kissed him
if i just hadnt gone there or gone here if i had just siad
this if i just hadnt said that. i'm never gonna be good
enough. maybe someday we will get another shot. but i doubt
it and i shouldnt give myself fals hope... being friends
with scott is hurting e tho and theres nothing i can do
about it. hes having a tough time right now and he needs
someone to be there and i've been there and he said me and
lance are the only ones keeping him sane, so i'm sacrficing
my feelings for him which may not be good for me but i dont
care.... i cant just abandon him.. then im doing what
everyone has done to me... and what he is going to do to
me. everything thinx we're hookin up, but we're not i
couldnt start anything with him. everyone who i care about
leaves me, so im afraid to care about anyone. i have an
easy way out, the only problem is its just that, an easy
way out, and once im out, i can never come back in,
throwing a dozen pills in my mouth wont do anything....
your going to the dunes. i dont care what u have to say
about it, your going. i'm not going this isnt my prom and
i'm not gonna be able to handle it anywayz. prom night
along is rip my insides out and kill me, to have to be
there with u there but bboth of us are with other ppl, its
gonna kill me that i cant look at u or talk to u and its
gonna kill me so much if i had to go to the dunes and be
there with u for so long. i never realized that beofre tho.
so i think i better explain that to scott. wow, i thought
that not seeing or talking to u since we had broken up was
such a bad idea and i was right... had we talked and been
friends this woudl be easier i think. everything would be
easier and diff. thats just another "if" tho. i'm just so
sorry .............julz