kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
2002-04-25 22:52:11 (UTC)

If my life were a book

I was just wondering if my life were a book, would it sell
any copies?

Not that I want to go out and live a book worthy life, but
would a life as dull (in my eyes) as mine ever be a
book. Is there any person who would want to read
about this dull girl from nowhere who doesn't do
anything exciting?

I sit around and chat with a guy that I am not dating and
have no real intentions to date. What kind of a life is
that. I have the internal struggle of a girl trying to deal
with death and not really being able to.

This weekend I will be back where my great aunt died.
It will have been a year since her death. I am so
worried that I might go nuts or something. I just really
don't know how I will react to being there and knowing it
has been a year.

I was just telling Dave that I want to go back to being the
little girl who loved steep hills on camping trips. A good
vacation was a 20 mile hike into the wilderness. Life
was a never ending carinval of fun back then.

It was like there was so much of life left to live and It felt
good knowing that. As it stands now I am going to
graduate from college in a year or so and then I'll get a
job. From there I'll bounce around for a while before
eventually retiring. Then maybe I can get down to the
things I really want to do.

My mother told me something the other day about how
we can't hold on to tight to the past and try to recreate it.
I have really wanted to fix up my grandparents house
and make it the way it was way back when my mother
and aunt and uncle were kids. I want to bring the past
into the future somehow.

The reality of it all is that someday we are going to have
to sell the house and I probably won't get to fix it up. I
will probably have to let it go and not look back. That I
fear is going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to
do. I felt bad not having my great aunt's house, but she
sold it a long time ago and was living there for free.
She made that decision for us which was nice in a way.

I am going to do some scanning for my photo class, but
I don't really want to do it yet. I guess I just need to go in
there and do it. I will probably write more later because
I feel like my depression is kicking in.