Guava

just some stuff

Ok, I tried a couple times to write something the other
day, but I hit the wrong stupid button and closed the
window twice. Oh well. I guess I wasn't supposed to
write it then.

John and Dave did come over and visit me. It was very
nice to see them both. We went and they used the scanning
room for a couple hours. We walked all over town that
day. From the art building to lunch to the photo haus to
the art building again and then back to my room. After
that we went picture taking out on the Canyon Road. It
was really nice to spend some quality time with Dave as
well as John.

Dave left that evening after dinner. John stayed the
weekend. On Saturday we went to my old roommates Senior
recital. It was great to see her perform up on stage.
She did so well! After that was a reception at her
apartment. John got to meet lots of people that I've
known over the years. I also saw a guy that went to 6th
and 7th grade with me. He is married now.

Sunday was a first for me. I gave John a hand job. As I
was doing it I wasn't so sure about it. After a while I
was so involved in it I felt like I had to finish him
off. I am still not 100% sure what I feel about it. That
was a big step and I'm kinda figuring that the next one is
probably sex...I know I'm not ready for that just yet.

Today was fun. I went to seattle with my photo class and
we got a couple tours of some places. It was a lot of fun
to see. I talked to Dave on the phone while we were in
town. It was good to hear his voice. It kinda shocks me
when i hear it because it's so deep. He has a real manly
voice! I filled him in on some info about a girl he kinda
likes.

The story is as follows. I had to get some slides taken
on Friday and when I went in to do them this girl in my
class Sandy asked me if I would share a roll of film with
her since we only need 6 good slides. I said sure...when
we were done and leaving she asked if I wanted her
number. Dave was jealous that I could get her number in
no time flat and he didn't. It's not like he asked her
for it though.

He was kinda asking me if I had any info on her. This
week has been a good one to kinda get to know her. The
slides we took were too "purple" so we had to retake them
and they turned out fine. I also found out some info on
the trip today. The thing that isn't so great is she
ended a 4 year relationship a couple months ago. That to
me says back off dude you don't have a good chance right
now. I don't know though. Dave still thinks she was
cute. He has only seen her once!

I was really depressed yesterday evening. It's coming up
on the anniversary of my Great Aunt's death and i lost
it. I was talking to Dave online and crying for a while.
He reminded me to think about all the good memories, but
they bring the pain back to me.

Tonight I mentioned to him that it was nice to hear his
voice today because talking online can get very
impersonal. I don't know that he really fell asleep this
time, but he did not respond to that until I asked him if
he had fallen asleep. For a bit there I was feeling hurt
that he didn't answer me back.

I was in a sort of depressed mood as we left Seattle
behind. It's not like I have more than friendly feelings
toward Dave, but I do miss him after we have hung out.
Not like I miss John though. I miss John deeply, but I do
know it will be soon that I'll see him again.

With Dave I never know how long it will be till I see him
again. We do talk more during the day then John and I do
though. I know it kinda bugged John for a bit, but I
think he is over it. I just enjoy chatting with Dave.
Our phone conversation today was the longest I have ever
talked to him voice to voice. Mind you that was not in
person, but it was a start. I don't know why I can't just
start talking to him when we're in the same room.

Online I can tell him shit that I can't seem to tell
anyone in person. I can tell that same stuff to John
too...well most of it. I have not told John about being
depressed yesterday and crying so much.

Dave and I were kinda talking about how someone, maybe
God, must have meant for him and I to meet because we
understand the pain and hurt side of life. I had the
triple loss last year and he lost his Grandfather this
year. It's all terrible, but on a level we can understand
eachother, that makes it less terrible. It's the good
coming out of the bad.

I will really have to thank him one of these days for
being such a good friend. He listens to me bitch or get
depressed quite a bit. Today I was bitching about some
old high school stuff.

I got an invitation to play with the high school band in
an alumni night thing. I will probably go. I just don't
want it to look like I totally embrace the things that I
hate about the way things were run there starting my
sophomore year. I don't want people to think I like the
things I was so eager to get away from when I graduated.
I disagree on so many levels with the way things were
going back then.

I also feel like there were things I should have gotten
recognition for and never did. And there were things that
I was more than qualified to do, but they were left to the
newer, younger people who didn't know shit about them. I
worked the stage lights a year and learned them inside and
out. Then what does our band director and musical
director do? She gives the job to someone else who
doesn't know shit about the lights.

I guess I am bitter in a way. The band director pissed me
off in so many ways. The biggest being the slandering she
did of our old band director whom I still keep in touch
with sort of and still think is 100% better than her! She
said some things that really pissed me off. I can say she
is the first and only person I have ever wanted to slap
the crap out of. She made me that mad and that is hard to
do.

Also going to this alumni night means seeing my ex-
boyfriend. He'll probably want to talk a bit and I
won't. Oh well. It just occured to me that I don't think
my brother got an invite. I am going to let him know and
maybe he can get the word out to the older generation of
alumni. I think it is very exclusionary if it only went
out to my class and the couple before and after mine!

I was just reading the lyrics to Jessie's Girl by Rick
Springfield...

Jessie is a friend
Yeah I know he’s been a good friend of mine
But lately somethings changed and it ain’t hard to define
Jessie’s got himself a girl and I wanna make her mine

And she’s watching him with those eyes
And she’s loving him with that body I just know it
And he’s holding her in his arms late at night

You know I wish that I had Jessie’s girl
I wish that I had Jessie’s girl
Where can I find a woman like that

I’ll play along with this charade
There doesn’t seem to be a reason to change
I feel so dirty when they start talking cute
I wanna tell her that I love her
but the point is probably mute

And she’s watching him with those eyes
And she’s loving him with that body I just know it
And he’s holding her in his arms late at night

You know I wish that I had Jessie’s girl
I wish that I had Jessie’s girl
Where can I find a woman like that

Like Jessie’s girl
I wish I had Jessie’s girl

Where can I find a woman
Where can I find woman like that
When I look in the mirror all the time
wondering to see what she don’t see in me

I was kind of thinking about Dave as I read them. I mean
I've heard the song many times before, but I never really
read the lyrics and thought about them. I do know Dave
has said he is kinda jealous that John and I have such a
loving relationship. He wants a girl right now, but I
guess it's just not in the cards.

There has been a time or two that I've wondered if maybe I
should have waited and gotten to know Dave before jumping
into dating John. I do love John with all my heart and
soul, but what if it doesn't last forever?

I guess I can figure things out after things end if they
ever do. I would feel bad if I ended up wanting to be
with Dave and he'd maybe wanted to be with me this whole
time. I'm not saying he wants to be with me. I don't
know that. I do know he wants to be with someone right
now.

Where does the line of friend wanting to help out another
lonely friend end? There are times that I do kind of
think about what it would be like to date him. He is such
a sweet guy that at times it surprises me he isn't dating
anyone.

Then I remember that he did the whole meeting girls at
bars thing for a while. I think he needed to go through
that phase to get to where he is now. He is ready to
settle into a relationship and is ready to work hard to
make it work. I just hope he finds that girl. There are
times I wonder if maybe I shouldn't be helping him out. I
mean I am sort of getting info on Sandy for him...I want
the best for him and want to help him find someone.
Should I step away from that?

How much is too much? I mean I care a lot about him as a
friend, but do I care too much? I need to have a good
idea about that and I don't right now. Am I in some way
leading him into a false hope by being the good friend
that I am. I'm sure he doesn't expect that I will ever
dump John for him, but maybe I am letting him have some
false fantasy about me. I hope I am not doing that.

Then again I sometimes think about what it would be like
to date him...

Why is it that no matter how good I have it I look to see
if there could be something better out there? I am so
happy with John, but I still wonder if there is someone
better out there for me such as Dave.

This is all so crazy to me! I don't know why I am so
messed up in the head. Maybe I ought to just put myself
out of this misery.

I am not looking forward to this weekend because the
memories are going to hurt. I want a way to crawl under a
rock and not come out ever.

Right now I am about to burn a cd for Dave. I have this
wonderful network connection here at school and I found
some files he wants. I am happy I can burn cds now thanks
to John and the computer he is letting me use.

I already burned on cd for Dave. John burned a cd for
himself this past weekend. I was glad to help him out
there. I would feel bad if I only burned cds for Dave.
That would make me want to rethink things.

I am looking for one more file I know is on the network,
but I can't remember who has it.

I did not find the person I was looking for, but I found
another with even more files. I am also getting the movie
Cruel Intentions. :) I am so happy!!! ...Dave wanted
that movie too. I e-mailed him to see if he wants a copy.

I guess I really am going mad...

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