Blue Castle reverie

My Saga
2002-04-25 01:51:31 (UTC)

Right here, Right now...

I hate the fact that I can't trust my feelings. That I'm
so damn fickle. That I can never really be sure whether
what I'm feeling is real, and deep, or whether it's a
temporary fixation, or boredom, or mental aerobics... I
hate having to hesitate on whether to act on my feelings,
because I have no idea whether I'll feel the same way in 24
hours, and I hate being so fucking scared of hurting people
because I don't know what I want. If only I didn't have to
worry about how my feeling will affect others. I wish that
when I do act on my feelings, I won't end up regretting it
so much. I wish I could say when I needed to "This is how I
feeL", but I'm never really sure if I do. But I can't
spend the rest of my life hiding my feelings because I
can't understand or control them. And what I'm feeling at
any given moment is real for me, right then, right there,
no matter what happens the next day or the next hour. And
so my feelings hurt just as much, whether they're "true" or
not, and they feel just as powerful. And I need someone
who'll understand when I say "I need you, right here, right
now, and I can't promise you anything about tomorrow or the
next day, but I can promise you anything right now."