camicazy

Meshed Up
2002-04-24 18:47:13 (UTC)

conversation with myself

4.24 am

i can't go to sleep like this candice. waking up in the
middle of the night to the sounds of people screaming. i'm
bloody tired but i'm still not going to sleep.

why's that candice?

i feel like a dumbass! i can't figure the simplest things
out!

something happened?

i basically suck at computer games. no matter how hard i
try, my brain capacity is just too small to control all
those little probes and dragoons and all those other
creatures.

ahhh..starcraft.

yes! starcraft! i can't bloody play starcraft! and i can't
play counterstrike as well!

that's all right. girls are not supposed to be good in
computer games.

fuck you! sexist pig! you're supposed to be me dammit! i
believe in sexual equality and you should too!

i may be you but i don't necessarily have to have the same
thinking as you.

whatever!

all right.

anyway i feel so shallow as well! here i am ranting about
my so-called 'problems'..and i find out that one of my high
school batchmates' dad just got ambushed. i feel like such
a fool! i can't believe i just kept going on and on about
my measly little problem when somewhere out there
somebody's dad just got killed.

mmm...bad feeling isn't it?

yes!! i feel like such an ass!

don't put yourself down too much.

i'm not putting myself down! i'm just saying what i feel!
and i'm bloody depressed and bloody pissed off because of
how things are going!

how are things going?

weren't you listening?! life sucks!! i don't think i'll get
into law school! i'm struggling with my fucking immaturity
because i can't let go of the hate that i feel for my
parents! i feel like putting a knife to my arm again! and i
have absolutely nobody to talk to!

are you sure you don't have anybody to talk to?

yes i'm sure! who would listen to all my shitty rantings
over and over again?

i would.

pfft! some ear you are!

i can still help you.

how?

i can help you think more clearly. see things more
objectively.

yeah sure you can! remember we have the same mind and the
same damn eyes!

but we don't have to have the same thoughts. nor the same
perspective.

i just feel like shit.

you don't have to feel like shit if you choose not to feel
like shit.

yeah yeah! easier said than done you dumbass!

precisely.

anyway i bloody feel like crap. i just hate this stupid
world. i don't feel like socializing with people, i don't
feel like listening to them or talking to them, i just
don't give a shit about them anymore! i feel so bloody
depressed!

are you depressed because you want people to notice you?
because you want people to think you're different?

what are you on about?

you know what i mean. i don't have to explain.

well fuck you! jumping to conclusions! so what if i am? and
what if i'm not? what's that to you?!

i'm you, remember?

shit.

everything's going to be all right.

i still feel like crap. i feel like a dumbass. i've lost
all my motivation. i don't think i even have a reason for
living. bloody hell. life is so...shitty!!!

yes life is shitty. but we have to learn how to deal with
it. how else can we live?

i'm a fucking weirdo! look at me.. talking to myself!

sometimes talking to yourself is quite healthy. and who
cares if you're a weirdo? the world is full of assumptions.
false assumptions.

yeah yeah you and your words. you think you're so smart
don't ya? you think you're so intelligent. well take a
bloody aptitude test and see how well you do!

i know i won't do well in an aptitude test.

you're a bloody dumbass!

i know. but i'm smarter than you.

fuck you!

i am. i don't have to explain. you understand.

that makes me the world's dumbest person then.

no you're not. a lot of people are dumber than you.

wow. you're such a nice person.

cut the sarcasm. you know what i mean.

yeah yeah.

how are you feeling?

better i guess. i still have to wake up early tomorrow to
do work! shit!!

now let's not get all worked up again.

i'm getting even more pimples!

pimples are big pains in the ass.

tell me about it.

i wanna kill all my pimples.

yeah, like the little zerglings that my dragoons killed.

you suck in starcraft.

i know. but i can play better than you.

yeah yeah.

i'm going to bed.

that means that i'm going to bed as well.

yeah. i really hope i get to dream nicely tonight. god i
would absolutely hate it if i start dreaming about
starcraft.

heaven forbid.

yeah man. traumatizing stuff.

all right. go to sleep now candice.

good night candice.

night candice. sweet dreams.

sweet dreams.