Christine

Visions Of Life
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2002-04-24 10:23:42 (UTC)

Time To Hurt

I hate everything. I am so furious right now I need to hurt
myself. I threw out my blade things. The knives I have wont
cut me. Its hurting me but I want to bleed and be severly
hurt. I want it to show so I can show him how much he hurt
me. So now all I can do is drink half a pint of vodka which
I hate so much, take 4 more perkasets and 2 more of my
other pain pills, add those to the 3 i just took, drink a
whole bottle of pepto cuz im sixk already and ill either
throw up or pass out. Im so furious. When I get mad I need
to hgurt myself. If i dont do something ill never sleep. i
have an interview at 2.. dont even know if ill be awake. im
sleeping on the couch and dont know if the alarm will wake
me. Fuck everything. My life is a fuckin joke. Again, i was
a fool for thinking he loved me and believing all the
bullshit he told me. I was a fool for ever thinking we
could be happy and have a future. i was a fool for not
killing myself. i cant take anymore. if i wasnt so sick id
wander down to the railroad tracks. im furious enough to do
myself in. i just wish i had a knife that would cut me. i
am so sick of everythuing. and im drinking vciodka and i
hate vodka. but at leasst it will intensify the pills,
perhaos make me pass out or even better, make my heart
stop. and now he cant fuckin drink it. i was so looking
forward to tomorrow and its ruined. my life sucks. why did
i believe the illusion that i could be happy. every time i
am happy someone does something to ruin it. thwey lie to me
or ignore me or do things they promiced theyc wouldnt do.
fuck that. he doesnt even care that im upset. fuck him. i
hate him. and those were the last words i told him even tho
i promised id never say it in anger. just like i said i
wouldnt hurt myself. just like he said he wouldnt bring
alcohol home. just like he said he wouldnt let his friends
drink here and just like he fuckin said he wouldnt drink
here tonight. so we are even and i hope i die or fuck up my
body severly. im already fucked up. im really sick but have
no insurance anymore so i cant see a doctor to make sure
the surgery worked. and now i have to pay thousands in
hospital bills. my life is ruined. my fream of spending the
rest of my life with him is ruined. im sick of him hurting
me. im sick of being this furious. im fuckin drinking just
for revenge and hoping ill hurt myself badly. i hate
evryone. no one is ever there for me even tho im there for
them. everyone lies to me. everyone hurts me. my life is a
joke. love is a joke. never asgain will i think its the
greatest thing on earth. i hate it and i will die alone and
please god let me die tonight. let my heart stop or
something horrible. im sorry i didnt write my notes. i just
cant hurt anymore. its killing me inside. i have nothin
more lft. there isnothin left inside m,e. just pain and
anger. i hate myself. i hate evryone. i hate myself i hate
myself i want to die let me die die die die die die hurt
hurt hurt bleed. i dont want to exist anymore. im through.
im through with life. with love, with every mother fuckin
person in the world...... hopefully goodbye. maybe ill at
least make it to the hospital.


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