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2001-05-30 05:29:52 (UTC)

First chapter

First chapter as a topic is pretty dumb. But then life is
pretty dumb, ain't it? I wonder how long can I keep this
up? The previous time when I did write something on the computer - it
was great writing, mind you- I just got tired and my files were later
deleted by some big-shot who was just interested in reaping profits.

I am falling into the abyss and I wonder if I will ever get
out again. Damn the world. I want out and everyday I am
still here. I go to bed every night 'demanding' for
nonexistence and my hope is shattered every single morning
along with my will. Damn this world, damn it. What am I
doing here?

Death is feared by many. Not me. I just want it to come
painlessly and quickly - that's the main problem. Do you
know how difficult it is to die painlessly and quickly? My
place is such a 'safe' place that there is hardly enough
poison to kill an ant. Guns are prohibited, cyanide (if only
I could lay my hands on it)- some people don't even know
what it is, there is not even a high, jagged cliff nearby
where I can plunge to instant death in a matter of seconds.
And they say the world is dangerous. Do you know how
difficult it is to die? Sheesh! Dettol and detergents will
most probably corrode you intestines and leave you a
writhing invalid, but alive. How I detest that word. I am

Why do we live? Oh, sure. It is a journey in our many
lives. We should be grateful. Grateful, my ass. We live and
grow up to be slaves of this world. We are in a prison so
big that we don't believe we are captives. What is all the
hard work for? We study, work, marry and breed and then we
die. Every thing down the drain. Death is like dreamless
sleep. It is not even a 'nothing'. It is a nothing in
nothingness. Nonexistence. We know not of anything when we
sleep without dreaming. We know not of even sleeping. We,
do not exist. That is death. So, is life worth living for
when we are just chess pieces moving around without

Unfortunately, of so many despicable things that I am, I am
a coward. I dare not die if it is painful or slow and
without the proper tools. I care not for suffocation which
might last from five minutes to fifteen minutes. I actually
bought antihistamines but found out in time that I actually
needed about a few hundred of those little white pills
rather than twenty. Even so, those few hundred pills do not
guarantee death, they might even leave me a bumbling idiot
with a useless brain but a still pumping heart. I can't
even buy aspirins off the counter! Even the buildings here
are not high enough to produce instant death. I might end
up a quadriplegic but still alive. Sigh! I salute those
people who have the courage to end this manipulation on
themselves even though they had to endure pain before they

What will the next day bring? More pretence of life. Spare