Pink Flowers

Pink Flowers
2002-04-24 02:36:21 (UTC)

Pointless....

I don't know why I even bother to write this down at
all. All it does is make me look like a god damn
whore....which I guess I am. But, dammit, I have more
substance to me than that.
So on Saturday night it was 4-20. I have smoked pot
before but I never got high like I did that night. It was
a good feeling to me. I didn't have to think about
anything and I totally relaxed. Of course, I am not
stupid. I know I was just killing myself and was so
fucked up that I couldn't think.....but whatever.
Anyway, I don't know why I do this to myself.....I had
sex with William again.....I am so so worthless....I wish
I could be 5 years old again. But then again....I wish I
didn't have to regret having sex....it's not like a
religious thing anymore....but it is more of a self
respect thing I guess and that is why I feel bad.
Well after William Jay and I had some fun. Nothing
really happened. I sucked his dick cause I really didn't
feel like having to screw around with him. And, after
that I went to Davids to go to sleep.
David Baker was over at Williams still talking to some
girl that he was interested in and so I figured nothing
would happen with he and I. I got on the floor and
wrapped up in a huge feather cover and when I woke up
David was holding me. We started to kiss and then he
fingered me (i hate that word) and then after that he just
held me and we fell asleep.
Ok now yes....I was messed up but he wasn't. Well
today I asked Nick about what David said to eveyone the
next morning and I realized again that I will never be
anything special to David. I will never! i am a Kellee
to him. I am so depressed. But, at least that night is
over with. I don't have to worry about Jay saying
anything cause he goes out with Becca and I don't have to
worry about William saying anything because he is probably
too embarrassed to admit that anything should happen with
me.
So where do I stand now? I like Walt. He is like 19
I think, and he goes to GCSU. He just seems really nice,
but hell I think he is interested in Stephanie's type.
But who wouldn't be. I have realized that yes she is much
more attractive than I am and she really has a great
personality. I don't know why she likes me sometimes.
But, I don't know what I would do without her. Anyway
about Walt, he goes to Stephanie's church and so I have
begun to go with her. I just want something or someone.
BUT I WILL NEVER HAVE THAT! Those types of relationships
are just not made for me I guess.
I hate guys too. Did I mention that....at least all
of the guys that I know. I have not met one desent guy in
my life! They are all horny bastards with apparently
uncontrollable needs that somehow I have been stupid
enough to fulfill. I think I must be one of the stupidest
people I know!