Steva's Life
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2002-04-24 01:00:39 (UTC)

No one Cares

Ok well, My friend jeff arives tomorrow night from
cleveland, Well, my mother and i are seeing noises off
and the show is around 2 1/2 hours long. Jeff will get to
the apt around 10:00 or so... so my mother was saying why
don't we stay for the first act, becuase i don't want him
sitting down there all alone for like half an hour,
Because i've givin a note and he knows that i don't want
him going up to the apt because i've had it painted. So
i've never walked out of an actual show that i've liked so
its really getting to me, He says don't worry about it
but mom's saying we should and i'm just stuck in the
middle getting ready to break down and cry, Since i have
absolutly no friends that really care to want to help me,
Or at least that's how i feel... its really painful, As
specially When you think they are but they're not
Friends... I'm sorry for those who i really beleave are
friends and probly do try to help but i just don't take it
as help I'm just in a state where i'd rather be dead.

Why do i get this way, I just need jeff living with me so
when i get like this i can turn to him and if he's not
there then i need to find somthing for backup. No Affence
to anyone for any of these entrey's. Unless i have the
right of corse ;-)

I was just thinking after seeing mamma mia last night, It
was great wile Marajuana was Legalized then they took it
away from us in the 60's and 70's and probly in to the
80's but now its like ileagal, i don't know if it was ever
actually ligalized but it really should be its not like
its that bad for you you can't really OD on it or
anything. Its used for cancer Patentent's and stuff to
get them to eat. So i don't understand why they won't
leagalize it :-/ I know that's totally off what i started
off talking about but it was a change of somthing.

Whenever i'm like this all the bad and the good things
that have happend though out my life all hit me at once...
And its really scary becuase i never know what to do,
should i cry, should i laugh, should i die? i just don't
know. Am i worth anything? All this hits me all at once.
And its so hard to take on.

Then there's my mother being annoying. You have to get a
job you have to get a job, What can i do. Should i work
in NY and stay here for the summer, not that she could
live alone or anything, or should i wait till i get to NH
and get a job there, i can only work till the end of may
beging of June becuase then i hope to get in to the summer
theater up there. And if i don't then i'll keep working
till I leave with jeff for maine then NY! Witch is
somthing i can't wait for. Becuase i need somthing good
to happen to me. I need to get a job on Broadway and i
need to get my life going, everyone's like are you ever
going to go to college, If i had all teh things i needed
for the college's that i want then i would go though all
of that but i can't becuase i don't have the material nor
do i have the smarts or brains to do anything like that,
I'm just not worth anything see?

Why why why

What i've always wanted to do was make my friends happy
and then i figured that they'd like me i pay for them, i
just try to do the right thing but it just seems to come
out the wrong way. Most of my Friends have desurted me
for one reasion or another, i have like 3 friends and i
know that's enough, I have one friend who i've known for
14 years witch is the one that is moving in with me in the
fall and its going to be wonderful, because i need someone
who i'm close to to be next to me all the time because if
i'm going to be going thorugh all fo this then i need
someone there. I just don't know what to do.

along with everything that hits me when i get this way is
my father's death because i lost him when i was 9 1/2 and
i always wished that i would have kept him longer because
i never really understude what happened or why he never
came home or what was going on in my life. At points in
my life i've wished that i would have had him over mom but
i really don't know why, I'm glad i've had at least one
parent, because i know alot of people don't even have
parents, As i was adopted in to this family and its
really amazing that i got such a loving family and I've
really enjoyed having my mother be here for me, Its been
hard because i want to do things my way but i know they
are supposed to be the other way but i just say no and do
them my way and they turn out wrong.

Like a year ago, my brother had some of his friends over
to go ice fishing and i was late for work and i was trying
to get out and his friens were coming down the drive way
and i wanted to get out, so then i just freeked as i'm
doing now. so then i just backed up and said i'm just not
going to work and just sat in the car for like 2 mins as
his friends came down the driveway, and then i blamed it
on mom as i've done with most things that go wrong in my
life and i really shouldn't. Well then i just drove off
going quite fast on my road and it was icey, and then half
way up i had begun to slow down " going about 10 or so
MPH" and i began to slide and i couldn't stop before i
ended up going off the road and hitting a tree and really
denting the front of the car and the hood and the engin
and the doors and all of that, and at least our next door
neighbor was coming up and i had called mom, my brother
was pissed and i was really upset, because a year before i
was in another accedent witch totally wasent my fault they
blamed it on my but it wasent my fault. But i ended up
getting a ride to work from the neighbor and i was in
shock and very upset at work and i didn't know what to
do, at the end of work i ended up calling my mother and
just saying that i'm gonna walk home as she said no and
got off the phone and got in to my brother's truck and
drove off to come get me as i was half way off the
mountion by this time " i was working at a ski mtn a the
time." So i was at the bottom of the mtn as she pulls up
and picks me up i really don't want to go with her because
i really desurve to walk home because i really need to do
alot of thinkning and i really should pay her for the
damages becuase its my anger that did that. She made me
get in the truck and we went home, i couldn't face my
brother for a long time. Becuase i knew it was my fault
but as usawall i just blamed it on my mother and my
brother with a yelling fit before i left off in the mad

I just alway feel that i'm gonna get better and then i
just end up getting worse and just get back in this
state, its terrable. I just don't know what to do. I
don't know if there are any places that have thing for
calming the anger things, there probly are but i feel
that they wouldn't work and i'd be afrade to go to them.
I really should look in to that when i get back to NY
because it would probly help me in one way or another.
Beacuse i really need to tame it down because it really
don't want it to get any worse, as i say to anyone I
really don't know how far this is going to take me because
i always feel that i just want to end it all but then i
think is it worth it, and sometimes i say yes but
sometimes i say no. Beucase i will have never lived the
life that i've wanted to. I will have died at age 18. I
would be leaving those who actually care about me and love

I always wished that i'd have a boyfriend, all my friends
have a boyfriend or someone who they love. and Its been
over 2 1/2 years since i've done or see a guy. Like
actually seen someone. And i know that in the fall i'm
going to be going out with jeff " as friends and we're
going to be looking for those special people" but like
with his friends in NH they always have guy friends that
they wnat him to meet, But i've never had someone want me
to meet someone. Its really tuff to deal with. I really
don't know why somthing this small would hit me, but when
i'm in this state just everything hits me and small to big
things hurt and i don't even understand why!?

I am sorry to anyone who this affences, I don't mean it
meanly, i'm just in the state of not understanding.

Then There's when i'm listening to showtunes, I always
think, "Why can't i be in this show, or that show, or on
this Cast recording or that one. Why can't i star in
somthing or even co-star, Chorus just anything on a stage,
on or off broadway, just so i can be on the stage becuase
that's why my life is. I'm an actor and i'm not doing
anything, I don't know if its due to stage fright,
Audishon Fright, I know i don't have those but it must hit
me somehow?

I think this will be my longist entry in to this and i'm
so sorry for making whomever is actually reading this,
Its just my fucked up life, and i just don't know what to
do. So it just builds up inside me. Then it just hits me.

One thing that really bother's me, Is there is an
internet cafe in NH that i was thrown out of becuase i was
Gay, and i didn't really care i was just hurt because its
so stuped to do. It just tipped me off when she actually
Stated the reasion and it was that i was gay and she
didn't think it was safe for me to be around the kids, i
was like fuck you, I have 28 neices and Nefues and well
Does it look like i've gone off and fucked them! No
Becuase i love them, i was with you since pretty much the
begining and now your just gonna say that i'm not worth
shit. No i don't think so. I always wanted to go the
school bord with it because it was through the school but
i just put it behind me and just forgot about it, or so i
thought. At this point i was working at an inn/Resturaunt
and the lady who ran the cafe would come in, So then after
this happened i had her taken out of there because i
didn't feel comfortable with her in there and she didn't
desurve to be there. Its for the good people who care
about other people not the Bitch people who descriminate

Wow alot of this hasent been mentioned to anyone.

Do you think its wrong for Gay people to work anywhere!?
I personally don't even if i werent gay, i wouldn't
discriminate Gay people, The great thing that i had the
great fortune with is to have alot of gay family, Like 4
of my uncles were gay, and then they all had lover's /
boyfriends, So they all became my family, I was fortunet
to have a very famouse family because the 4 uncle's had
somthing to do with broadway, One was a writer and he had
a show open on broadway, unfortunetly he died shortly
after it opened, but his dream was to open somthing on
broadway and he had it happen. The sad thing was that 3
of them died from aids so it's hard to think i might
follow them, so in ways not being with someone or people
for this amount of time is safer then being with them.
The other 3 uncles were on and off broaday. They were In
The OLC of Jesus Crist superstar and OBC and OLC of
Godspell one of them was jesus in both productions JCS and
Godspell, So they are pretty well known, 3 of them died
from Aids and one is still living and i still see him.

The sad thing was that The uncle that wrote the show
before he actually knew he was gay ended up marrying and
having a child and then he just said you know what i am
gay and i'm going to have to live gay, so he go the
devorse and lived his short life gay, He had to care for
his son and he spoke to his ex-wife but it would be really
hard to live with that. I miss him to this day and always

I've wanted to put up the cover of life again but its just
to hard to do because the Origanal Producers will not
allow a minor production of it to be done, and its really
upseting becuase i want to do it, then i wanted to do it
as a movie because at one point they won't do the show as
much and it would really be good on the big screen and i
think it would be fun to do. I've wanted a friend of
mine's father to do it but i don't think she's talked to
him about it. But i hope she'll talk to him about it.
becuase i really want to do it, and i want to do it in
the origanal place it took place.

Yes jeff i still want you to come don't worry i'll get
over whatever's bothering me.

I'm getting really excited because this time tomorrow i'll
be hanging out with jeff and hanging out getting ready to
go down to rush a show. I'm excited becuase i've seen it
before and i've been dieing to see it agian and another
great thing about next year is becuase he'll be here and
we can rush more shows together and i'll have him closer
and i won't have to spend a ton of money on my phone ;-)

Well i'm gonna let you go, I'll probly have another fit
tomorrow don't worry :-D