camicazy

Meshed Up
2002-04-23 12:18:20 (UTC)

sadness

i am sad. it has been a very long time since i reached such
a high point of depression.

i feel my anger choked up inside me. i want to cry but i
can't.

i walk home from school feeling so completely alone.
feeling so sad...thinking about cutting again although i
have not cut myself for years already. i don't know why i
am depressed. i just am.

i have lost my motivation to study. i don't even
participate during class anymore. my mind drifts and
wanders. it does not even listen to the lecturer or the
tutor. i try to listen. but i can't. i zone out. i stone. i
feel nothing but this gnawing in my heart. this pain. this
sadness that engulfs me.

do the people see the sorrow in my eyes as i walk down the
street? do i see their sorrow?

i played the piano this afternoon. i sat alone in this dark
auditorium, hearing nothing but my own heart beating. i
touched the keys...felt the surge of emotion in my
heart...and played...willing myself to cry. i was alone. i
was alone. perhaps if i cried...perhaps i would feel
better...

but i couldn't cry. i closed my eyes and died in the music.
my heart tightened, my throat constricted, and i almost
wailed. i couldn't cry. i can't cry. i can't.

i'm alive. but i feel like i'm dead. i have a home. but i
feel like i'm out in the cold.

i can't cry. i can't. i can't. i can't.