a freak with a heart
2002-04-22 20:03:32 (UTC)

distant dreams.....and empty thougths

i don't really know that to do any more, so many things
going wrong and changing. why is it that no matter how hard
you try on something things only seem to get worst never
better. ppl tell me to smile and be happy when all i want
to do i cry and sit in a dark room alone. it seems like day
by day i just become more depressed and i can never really
figure out why. things have started to get better...well a
little better! for a while now things with jeremy have been
hard, i've been so distant and confused, and he's just
changed. he was hardly paying any attention to me, hardly
showing that he cared, treating me more like a friend (and
not even a good friend) rather then the person he loves!
and i must say it was hurting me a lot. i got to the point
where i didn't even want to come home from school to talk
to him cause i was afraid of what he might say, i was
afraid he might make me cry once more. i didn' want to be
around him cause i didn' want to be hurt anymore. but in
all this i still loved him with all my heart. so finally
after he shut me out and left me with nothing but my tears
after i found out i wasn't going to be going on a much
needed vacation and was really upset about it, i broke down
and cried my eyes out to my best friend. after telling her
everything and crying for about another 2 hours i finally
told jeremy how much the way he had been acting was hurting
me. so after i was done he tld me he would change and i
believe him. he has been trying, and i've been trying as
well cause nothing is ever one sided. but i've been so sick
for the last 4 days. i mean sick to the point where
yesterday i couldn't get off he fucking couch cause i
couldn't see straight to stand up for more then a second
without someone there to make sure i didn't fall and kill
myself. im starting to feel better and can see straight so
thats good right, so i decided to finally write down how
i've been and whats going on cause no one i don't care who
they are can deal with everything in my life and not talk
to someone or write it down without doing fucking nutz. and
i was just about there! soooo now things with jeremy are
starting to change, my trip to new mexico is back on, but i
still feel like im dying, am lonely as all fucking hell,
and don't want to leave my room! aaaaaaahhhhhhhh shoot me
now. oooooh and i almost forgot, ok well lately all these
ppl have been getting engaged. im happy for them, really i
am..... but i want to scream. i know an engagement is
something special and should be perfect in every way when
that question is finally asked. for some reason i've been
really irritated with this. cause even though i want to be
engaged to jeremy, i don't just want him to ask me when i
go down there this summer. cause i mean he's told me he's
gonna ask me when im down there. and yeah im happy and all
but.....i don't know..... i've just always wanted the most
romantic moment when the person i love asked me to marry
him. lol i've always pictured him leading me some place but
i don't know where we are going cause he told me it was a
surprise. and when we get there it's this beautiful quiet
little place with no one else around and the sun is just
starting to set, lighting the sky with purples and pinks
and yellows, and the sun is this bright orange glowing
ball. and he has this picnic set up.... with a blanket and
candles and dinner. and he sits me down and bring out the
dinner and we eat and laugh and smile, then he reaches in
the basket to bring out dessert and instead in his hand is
this little black velvet box. my eyes light up and fills
with tears and a smile so bright over comes my face. he
tells me how much he loves me and how he can't live without
me and i can see the love and tears in his eyes as he
speaks. then he takes my hand and removes the ring from he
box and asks me if i will marry him and spend the rest of
my life with him. i answer with a quiet and simple "yes,
yes i'll marry you"....and he places the ring on my finger.
lol well thats at least what i've always wanted and hoped
for but hey who knows, does it really matter? not really!
as long as it's with the person you love it makes no
difference!!!!!! ok yeah now that i've shared my
pathetically romantic dream with everyone......immmmmm
gonna gooooo.

"romantic dreams are always the best, hold on to them"