Sarah's Secrets
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2001-05-29 15:00:08 (UTC)



10:45 A.M

I can't beleive I'm here again. It's all going to start all
over. I know it! I used to come to resource when I had
anxiety, and I couldn't go to class, because it made me so
nervous. Now I'm just here because I can't go to class
because of Jen, Maria, Lindsay, Eden, Meghan and Amanda.
Even though they aren't in my next class, the class that I
always get nervous in, and come to resource, I still can't
go there. I have no one I can talk to. I called my mom, and
told her everything, but she just made me feel worse,
because she thinks I'm just using resource as a place to
run away from my problems. But it IS! Oh I know it is. I
love running away from my problems! OOOHHH I do! It's so
much easier. Maybe I'm filled with guilt, but it's better
than being in class with a bunch of idiot kids. I know, I
know, I'm a kid too, but they're dumb kids. I'm not. I'm
normal. Aren't I??? I guess not, if I'm the one who's
different. But it's a good different... isn't it... I guess
not. Oh well. I feel so awful. I wish I was at home. I hate
this dumb school. I wish I was at the barn, with my REAL
friends, or riding, or ANYWHERE else! I want to get out of
this dungeon! I can't stand it anymore! But I can't just
walk out... that would be considered skipping, and my mom
would find out, admy grades would drop, and things would
get all so much worse. Next year will be different. I'll
have lots of friends at my new school, Miramichi Valley
high school, in Miramichi, New Brunswick, where I'm moving.
Oh, I can't wait! So many people admire me there! I wonder
if it's because I'm better, or their worse. I hope it's not
the second one! I don't want to be admired by the weak, but
I guess that's normal, because people who are better than
me definetly wouldn't admire me. I have so many more
friends there, like Beth, and Jen, and her sister, and all
of my family of course! and my dearest friend, my cousin,
Dayna. I miss her. I can't wait to move down there and see
her. She's my bestest bestest friend, and I'll know her
forever, so I don't have to worry about fights, where we
decide never to be friends again, because we'll have no
choice, since we're cousins. I guess that's my greatest
fear. Being hurt, or hurting. I sometimes wish no one would
like me, so I don't hurt them, and they don't hurt me. I
have fights, and grudges, and enemies, and everything. It
hurts ooohh so bad! Like the fight me and Meghan are in
now. People tell me just to be friends with her if I want
this war to end, but I don't WANT to be friends. her bad
impulses and judgements wear off on me, and I don't wantr
that! I don't want to be her enemy either though, I just
want to be nothing! I wish she was never born! Accually,
no, I take that back. I just wish I never met her. Oh well.
I have to go now, because there are people on the computers
beside me, and I don't want them to see me writting this
bye dearest self, my only true friend.