daydream disbeliever

Mad Ramblings From a Blithering Idiot
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2002-04-22 16:38:39 (UTC)

Line of Bullshit?

He can't. Not after knowing me for only a few weeks.
He only wants me to give it up. All that bullshit about
shyness. Oh, God.

Last night we were snuggling when he said, "Kerry, I
care about you a lot. I think I'm falling in love with
you." I could only lie there in shock. Part of me wants
to melt, but the rest of me doesn't trust him. He just
wants sex. I'm sure of it, and that scares me. But he
also said, "I've never wanted to just wait for someone to
be ready. Or just lie here and sleep with someone. I love
just sleeping with you." He must have used the word "love"
about five times during that talk. I told him that I cared
about him, too (I do), but I didn't say "love" because if I
did I know I'd be lying. True, I like him a lot and I'm
really attracted to him, but that's not love.

That being said, I think I've scrapped the
whole "waiting until I'm in love until I have sex for the
first time" idea. I'm pretty sure, no, I know I'll have a
good time if I let him be my first. I'm nearly twenty
years old, for heaven's sake. I should start living,
shouldn't I? I'm only young once. And maybe I am ready
now. But I'm at least going to make him wait until my back
heals. It's still on fire and looks like a huge scab, by
the way. But he doesn't seem to care.

Aside from that incident, yesterday was one giant
anecdote. At work, I was feverishly perfecting the Hanes
wall when the severe storm hit. All the lights in Wal-Mart
went out. A transformer had been hit, so the emergency
lights didn't come on. The customers had to be hurried out
of the store and we all got to go home. Funny, I even got
to leave at my scheduled time, so no more hours were lost
this week. Nan just called and said I could come in
tomorrow before the concert and on Wednesday to make up for
the hours lost on Saturday. Yippee.

Anyway, driving home through New Boston was freaky.
The entire village was without power. When I arrived home,
my mom said that my dad had called from his cell phone in
his apartment to let them know the situation. Heh. My dad
was just being scared, I believe. Then Josh called me and
invited me out. Funny, he never mentioned where he was so
I assumed he was at home. I drove like mad to get there,
but every car on the way out there didn't turn off their
brights, so I was blinded continually and missed my turn-
off. However, I didn't realize I had until I'd driven
about five or six miles. I turned around and had to drive
really slowly back to find 73. When I did, it was smooth
sailing (and hydroplaning) until I got to downtown Otway,
where there was a blockade just before Josh's house. I
decided to run it, much to the annoyance of the men there
in their huge trucks. They yelled at me, but I just zoomed
away into Josh's driveway. Then I realized that no one was
home. I tried to ring the doorbell, to no avail. I was
halfway back to my car when his dad opened the door-I'd
awakened his parents. He had me sit on the couch and he
called Doone's. Turns out that's where the gang was. But
even if I'd known that, I couldn't have gone there because
the mean men in their big trucks had 348 blocked off. Argh.

Josh came home somehow and looked like a whipped
puppy, he was so sorry. I told him it was ok, then we went
to bed. We both have colds, and my back wasn't feeling the
greatest. We were canoodling on his bed when his sister
knocked on the door and came in. "Are you decent? Because
Mike wants to meet you." Mike is Jenny's husband that just
came back from Afghanistan. I was so embarassed.
Yesterday was just a sort of hang-my-head-in-shame kind of
day. I have those often, much to my chagrin.

After Mike and Jenny left we snuggled a bit more and
then came the talk. I'm still apprehensive about it. I'm
seeing him tonight, possibly. Until then I remain scared,
excited, yet suspiciously

K.


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