2002-04-22 07:09:23 (UTC)

What to make of Distractions?

Does time really heal a broken heart? Or is distraction the key?

My ex-bf appears in my dreams as an artist. With charcoal
on paper he sketches three sunflowers for what looks like a
study group. Trying to appear non-chalant, I enter this
vintage room concentrating on the lesson being taught.
Symbolism was the topic. The idea that visual stumulus
depicts a special time and place. He talks on while I
continue pretending not to listen. Suddenly, I am
questioned by a woman. Excuse me, where might I find Chris?
Oh he's giving a lesson right over there. I look and he is
nowhere. She looks me over like I've lost it. He was giving
a lesson about .... I gave myself away. She doesn't believe
me. I run outside the room to find him down the hallway
lined with stairs leading to different rooms. It felt
indoors but looked more like downtown New York. She follows
me up to Chris waiting for me to ask if he really was in
the previous room. I was redeemed but embarrassed for
revealing myself. Later in my dream while roaming this
space I saw him in a distant room sketching more flowers.
They were calla lilies, I think two of them.

It's been over four months since we broke up. It's been
over a month since we last crossed paths. Since then I've
sent him a short e-mail or two about what I've been up to.
I can only guess that he reads them.

My distractions...are not really distractions. You decide.
Later than most on the career track I've decided to go back
to college for my Bachelor's. Applying, touring, and more
has kept my interest. My plans are under way but physically
I've been hard to reach and I function on a different
schedule than most.

But someone has been calling me out lately. Someone I used
to date. I remember him as one of the sweetest kisses but
was terrible with the phone. He was the guy who would
promise to call you back later but always forgot. Not that
I waited but I would miss the sound of his voice. In my
dreams he used to whisper to me. Please don't be mad at me.
I'll call soon. When he's with you, you were without a
doubt WITH HIM. This past December was the first time I
didn't call on his birthday. He started calling a month ago
and promised not to disappear this time. He has kept his
promise and we've spent quality time together. I love the
attention but he can tell I have my gaurd up; my self-built
walls to protect me from those tears of happiness. I am
thankful that he came along cuz I was afraid I'd settle
with some a**hole who I would let take advantage of me.
He's understanding, patient, and we laugh together, and
he's so sweet on me that it's hard to not feel light-
hearted and hopeful. It's nice to be able to feel again.