Casey

My life
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2002-04-22 01:52:56 (UTC)

..I hate My Life I want a New One!!!

Diary
ok i just wrote so much and it mesed up so let me start
over, ok earlier this month me and brant hooked up i got
fingered for the first time and we kissed but now he
actslike i dont exist bc he "loves" this girl named alex
who is one of my best friends, so im so hurt by that bc i
love brant so much, well i thought that i moved on to this
guy named eric, well i was so wrong bc he turend right
around and asked Marissa back out!!!!!! then theres matt im
his "bitch" but he dosent like me..and that sucks..but none
of this compares to how much i love brant with everything i
have and he says that im ugly and that he thinks that this
brianna girl is better than me and shes not she is so ugly
and fat and he likes her!! what is he problem, what is
wrong w/ me? Matt says that there is nothing wrong w/ me
that there is something wrong w/ brant and i wish i could
believe him and everyone else but i cant!!! the opinon that
brant has for me is the most important thing to me and if
he thinks that about me then in my mind i think that its
true bc its jsut like that and i should think that i am
beautiful inside and out but i dont..it kills me inside to
knwo that he dosent love me, like me, care about me, talk
to me, see me as i really am, have time for me, or even
bother to say hey to me, it feels like i lost a part of me
along time ago, i dont know when exactly it happend, all i
knwo is that it did.. and all i wanan do is cry. LEAVE
tahts what i want to do and im honestly thinking about
moving, i want to stay with my borther in nashville and get
away from him, i mean i shouldnt let him run my life like
this should i? well i do for sum reason, i mean i cant see
myself w/ neone but him, like today i hooked up w/ matt and
the whole time i sat there and wished that it was brant, i
cant do this! what should i do?! i know really theres
nothing i can do but still i wish there was sumthing, but
theres not.. theres this song by blink 182 that shows how i
feel about my life..i mean im not thinking about killing
myself but its how i feel..
I never thought i'd die alone
i lauged the loudest who'd a known
i traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time
I hurried up
The choice was mine i didnt think enough
Im to depressed to go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone.
i dont want to kill myself, i never want to do that, i
just want to leave..go anywhere..anywhere but here!! and im
going to and the thing that pushed me to the edge was today
when i was talking to alex and she told me that she wanted
to give brant a chance. bc she knows how he feels, omg he
dosent deserve it, i maen me and her deserve to have a
chance, not him, he is so mean to me, he treats me like
shit, i cant love someone who dosent lovme, i mean he
pretends like im not there, he lies to me, he wont look at
me, he wont treat me like a grl should be treated, he
makes me feel like im really ugly, it makes me feel like im
nothing, worthless, and i hate it! i cant stand it nemore i
wrote him a letter, its the next entry, and ive written so
many poems, but i gg
love
casey


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