Plaid Town Motel

Plaid Town Motel
2002-04-22 00:07:28 (UTC)

A walking Piece of Nothing

Hi
Brian came over but I didnt really feel like going to the
door to see who it was so I just had my Dad tell him I
wasnt home.He called later and I knew it was him so I just
told hom to meet me across the street from his house so we
could go for a walk.We walked around a couple times then
went back and we sat in my driveway.But it was cold and
windy.Very windy..so we walked again and sat in the sun by
Matt's house.It was getting cold again so I walked towards
Brian's house and he went home and I went back to mine.
When I get bored I read people's journals.I read
Billy's.Looking at January 3rd and 4th.My heart hurts all
over again.Im going to Die one of these days.I just dont
know when yet.This hurts so much.I love talking to
Dani.She knows how I feel about everything.I hurt so much
right now.It's everything.Old feelings..being
ignored..just depressed.I wish I could stop being so damn
sad..but I cant.
I wish it was summer..or just warm.I want to sit and my
driveway and stare at nothing.I want to go to the beach
and lay there.Just lay down and forget everything.Forget
all this Pain.I guess everybody thinks im not capable of
being depressed..but they're so wrong.Its like my whole
fucking heart is falling apart.My whole life is crumbeling
before me.I dont know what i'm supposed to do."Hey
mom..dad..im depressed like a fucker and see these
cuts..yah..they're from my razor..thats how I help myself."
I dont know though..there's something about seeing that
blood on clean skin..and then you can see it more and
more..look at it flow..its like the pain can run out of my
body.
I want to be that girl.The one who can be with her
boyfriend..or anyone..be I dont know..outgoing..and
happy..and hug and love and be loved.Maybe some people
just arent good enough for anything happy.Maybe I dont
deserve the happiness I want.
Im running out of options here.I cant deal with this BS
much longer.I refuse to walk around and be emotionless.Im
so sick and tired of keeping all this shit inside of me.I
want to tell everyone how I feel.Crying isnt helping
anymore.It makes it worse.It always reminds me why i'm
doing it and then more pain comes and this is crap.
Im like..a Living Dead girl.Im here..but not really.I cant
fit in anywheres.I just wish this wasnt my life.My parents
are the meanest..most boring humans on the planet..and I
dont know.What the hell am I supposed to say now.People
are ruining my Lives.
Im thinking about cutting the bottom of my palm.I dont
know why but I want to use the steak knife with all those
little ridges on it.It'll sting but that's the whole point.
I just want to be someone else.Be who everyone else is.not
be ignored in school.Fit in Somewheres.Does everything
have to be so hard?I think everyone is afraid to say Hi to
me now.Nobody wants to talk on AOL.Thanks a lot.
And dont say hi now because you feel bad for me or
something.Say something if you want to talk.
The End.

Life Sucks.




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