Pandora's Box
2002-04-21 09:30:43 (UTC)

Inadequate, Inept, Insane

Yep, that's pretty much how I feel right now. I have so much to
do and so little desire to do it. I've been babbling about Coke for
days and my roomate's mom visited and I think I came across as a
little mindless as well as mannerless. My issues are rearing their
ugly heads--I've spent so much money lately. And I think I've gained
(roughly) seven pounds. I'm guessing by the fit of my jeans. I don't
really know what's going on, except that I don't know what I want to
do or who I want to be or why I still don't like myself very much. I
need to go home. I like myself more when I'm at home. I like myself
more in the context of my place in my household. I don't like
myself too much here. And I've been eating constantly to make up for
I miss the body I used to have. I miss people telling me how
good I was looking. I miss liking my reflection. I think I may have
to go back to crash dieting and running wih the dog. My goal is not
to go over 1100 calories a single day this summer (and if I can stay
under 900 I'll reward myself with gifts). I miss disordered eating.
Vomiting and starving aren't the healthiest things to do, but I felt
so powerful when I did.

Things I Still Enjoy:
Diet soda
nail polilsh
B (Friend here)
Friends (the TV show)
Lindsay (I miss her so much!)

Things I still hate:
Second guessing myself
My hips
My thighs
My stomach
My non-existent upper body strength
My breasts (decent size, but I remember them being perkier
when I was skinner. All in my head? I think it was the push
Not knowing where I'm going or what I'm doing