my diary of me
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2001-05-28 22:56:18 (UTC)

I h8 my life sometimes!!!

I don't understand life...why is it that just when things
are really great, it all starts 2 fall apart, and that
HURTS!!! Ok following the hugebust up thing with my 'best
friend' she has suddenly without warning turned into the
hugest bitch ever. Ok well y has she resorted to putting
all this bitchy stuff on one of our friends website?! She's
making up all this stuff that apparently i've said about
how ive said i dont want my friends anymore and about how
i'm leaving and i'm not planning to stay in touch and what
an evil person i am...OK WHERE DID ALL THIS COME FROM?!?!?!
I know she gets seriously pissed off about all the time i
spend with the bf but she does exactly the same thing and
although i've been annoyed, i've never once complained!
Then she goes ahead and organises a night out for everyone,
conveniently not inviting me! And what pisses me off on top
of all this is that all my "friends" are going on about how
awful she's being 2 me but say they wont take sides, which
ok i understand but then she just gets away with being
Ok now add that to the fact that i'm worried about my
relationship!When i first fell out with my "best friend"
and all the other shit i've had to put up with over the
past couple of months, there's always been the one thing
that keeps me going...Us. Our connection, whatever u want
to call it. And for the first time ever, it doesnt seem to
be there anymore. He goes on about me being an amazing
influence and how much he cares for me and would be lost
without me but then at the same time, im lower and lower
down in his list of priorites!!!!!! I thought me leaving
college would bring us closer....right?! Theoretically it
shud, not seeing each other all day every day like we used
to...but i dont get the text messages, the fone
calls, the emails, the ecards etc etc He's got time for
anyone but me!!!! :( Ok and its my birthday nxt week, and
its no ordinary birthday (well apparently anyway) its one
of those 'huge' stepping stones in life...and apparently
he's too busy too come....i bit my tongue, he was going on
about how he'd take me out after the exams are over, i
ignored him, GOD couldnt he see i was upset?!?! 2 hrs thats
all i was asking for, shit its not like i've seen him in
ages anyway! I wud push it further but considering all the
arguements i'm experiencing with everyone else i dont
really want to add him to the list...cant he see i need him
right now, how upset and alone i am?!?!! And
him 'remembering' the fact that its even my bday is
supposed to make me feel better...?!
Im determined not to make the same mistakes as i did
with "him", i'm putting sooo much into this relationship,
its just now...well now i'm not getting anything back!! Ok
maybe its coz i'm leaving, but i'll be back in 2 months and
he's always going on about the stuff we'll do when i get
back...ok i'll be in University then but the plan is we'll
stay with each other in the he pushing me away
as he's realising i really am leaving?!?!
He sed once that i'm like a best friend as well as a
girlfriend...and i'm beginning to just feel like the
friend. Hardly ever speak to him anymore let alone see him,
gawd all i can do is just hope things will be normal again
when all the exams and shit are over...OK but 4 months,
isn't he supposed to have expressed his love by now?! And
if he doesnt love me now, how much longer than 4 months
does he need?! Ok i still havent told him either i'm just
afraid he'll push me away......

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