What can I say?
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Ok i accidentally erased this, but i am putting it back in because it is important....
2001-10-13 14:55:54 (GMT)
My emotions are running rampant right now. I just broke up
with my boyfriend of three years a couple of weeks ago, and
I think it was the best decision I have ever made. We just
didn't connnect anymore. I have many set goals, and he is
still trying to figure out what he wants.
However, maybe my life is too structured. I live for
school, because that is what I know. I don't play any
sports or have many hobbies, but I can do school. I make
good grades, but that's not enough. I have to be involved
in so many different activities that I have practically run
myself ragged these past couple of months. I need to find
something new to do that I can relieve my stress and just
have fun. I think that the best way to do this is to
write, write about anything and everything. I have a
hidden desire, underneath all those dreams of being a
psychologist, to be a writer. I am trying to work that
into my life, and I know that it will be extremely
difficult because writing is such a iffy lifestyle. There
is not guarantees that what I write will be worth reading
by anyone at all, and then I can't help think that perhaps
I could write something so inspirational that it changes
someone's life. If I can help inspire just one person in
my lifetime, it would be worth it.
This is partially the reason that I think I was with my
boyfriend for so long. I wanted to help him find who he is
and what he wants to be. I helped bring him closer to God,
which makes me feel very good, but I can't help but feel
like I failed at helping him out on his life. I know that
it is not my job to change people's lives around, but I
can't help but think that I should have said or done
somethign to make him realize what he wanted. When I
realized that he would never change from anything more than
a wrestling watching, weightlifting simple-minded guy, I
knew that I could not be with him. I need intellectual
stimulation, and I was not getting it from him.
However, I was getting it from someone else. This guy is
incredible to talk to, but he is about to drive me crazy.
He told me to do whatever made me happy in one of our many
late night conversations, and that inspired me to break up
with scott and really look at my life. I realized that I
have not been doing what I need to do. I am not sure what
it is yet that I need to do, but I have many ideas that are
coursing through my body and filling my mind.