What can I say?
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2002-04-20 23:28:40 (UTC)

I just wanna cry....

I just feel like crying. i don't really know why. you know
something's horribly wrong with me if that's the case. i
never cry, as many of you may know, but as i write this,
tears are coming down my cheeks. it's been a long day.
first of all matt's been sick the past few days, and
its'really starting to wear on me. i am not a sympathetic
person for sick people, especially if i am sick myself. i
have felt bad all week too with the same sort of stomach
problems he has been having, but have i complained?
noooooo, but i haven't heard the end of his feeling sick.
yet he will eat whatever he wants and then feel sick. thats
just stupid, i am sorry but it is. i have been having some
really bad pains, i don't know what they are from but they
are bothering me, i might need to go to the doctor.
another issue for everyone: if you have a problem with me,
come tell me. don't leave stupid little notes on the door
as if they are for everyone when we all know who they are
directed to. just tell me what the hell is wrong, but
don't act like its all my fault if you have something to do
with it as well. this is just a personal pet peeve, and
one of the reasons why i will be glad when this semester is
over. i have no money, i am soooo poor, yet i still spend
it like crazy. my credit cards are through the roof, just
thinking about them makes me want to cry even more. i am
gonna have to use all the money i am making this summer
just to pay them off, which really sucks becuase i could
really do a lot with that money. i am really worried about
my grades. i HAVE to have a good gpa to get into grad
school, and it's looking right now that they aren't going
to be the straight a's i am used to. no one understands why
this is so important to me, i really don't either, but it
is. i have not had hardly any time to really study like i
used to. so much has changed, its not necessarily a bad
thing, but things have been rearranged in my life and not
always the way i want them to be. things that are really
important to me, like school and church and friends, have
all been pushed back because of matt. i love him dearly
and i know he's the one, but i can't keep giving things
up. it's driving me crazy becuase i don't know how to
balance it all. i know he is trying soooo hard, and that
makes it even worse, because it is such a slow process. i
just want him to know that i love him, and that things will
be ok, but that i can have things that are important to me
besides him. he will never understand this i think and that
makes me sad. he always thinks i put other things before
him, but he doesn't realize how important these things are
right now. our relationship will always be there, and we
will always be together, but right now there are things
that i want to or need to do, like hang out with friends
and schoolwork. it's also a problem becuase i am always
forced to decide one extreme or the other. there is no in
between or happy neutral. he says that he always gives,
but i don't always see it. who is the one who has left all
of her friends to be with him? me. who is the one who
doesn't stay in her room becuase he doesn't want to be
alone? me. who does whatever he wants to do? me. who gets
blamed when things go wrong? me. it never ends. i also am
afraid that i am gonna get on his parents' bad side. they
are very nice people, but i ccan tell that if i ever do
anything wrong, they will hold it against me for a while.
therefore, i wnat to do everything right when i am around
them. he got all mad when i tried to tell him this and
siad that if i didn't accept his family, then things just
won't work. he doesn't understand what i am trying to say
and he takes things wrong. so i just gave up on that issue
and ignored it, while all the while trying to keep them
happy. i don't take teasing very well, and that's another
problem. i am very sensitive, and i take things very
personally, even when i know i shouldn't, like when a
friend says something. today matt agreed with me when i
said that i felt fat, and that made me feel about 2 inches
tall. i just wanted to crawl up and cry. i worry so much
about how i look and how much i weigh, because he makes me
so self conscious about it. he wants me to lose weight and
get in shape, and i want to too, but becuase i want to get
in shape. however, he makes it seem like something i have
to do, and i have heard him say several times that he would
never stay with a girl who got fat. this worries me alot
and hurts me, because i used to be fat. he doesn't know
how sensitive i am when he says, your tummy should be
flatter. it makes me want to cry, but i don't, i just try
to lose the weight to make us both happy. then if i say
anything about it, he says, well you want to lose weight
too don't u? and of course i do, so that kinda takes away
from being upset at him about it. sometimes i think that i
am just not the type of girl that should be with him. all
of the other girls he has liked were short, little, and
blondehaired. obviously, i am the complete opposite of
this, and i know that his grandparents weren't expecting a
girl like me. i know they like me, but it kinda threw me
off when they kept telling me, you aren't what we
expected. they kinda made it seem like a bad thing. i try
so hard, i want his family to like me sooo much, but i just
don't always know what to do. i know my family likes him,
and he just doesn't really care if they do or not, but i am
not that type of person. i want everyone to like me, even
if its a person that it shouldn't matter. thats why i try
so hard, and keep people around who really aren't friends.
i don't want them to get mad at me and not like me. i know
it's stupid, but it's me and i can't do anything about it.
matt i hope you read this. this is how i have been
feeling, and all the things that have been bothering me. i
am not trying to blame everything on you, i just can't help
what i feel. i love u, and i always will, we just need to
work this stuff out. i hate it when you get so mad, you
scare me and it really upsets me. sometimes i am not sure
what you would do if you got really mad, and that is a
terrible fear for me to have. you don't realize how mad
you get sometimes. i see how you act with the cat and when
you get mad at it, and it makes me wonder what you would do
if it was your child. you really need to learn to control
your anger, becuase i don't ever want to see it get out of
control. i am also worried about pawpaw. i know that he
will probably be ok, but i don't even want to fathom him
dying. it would totally crush me, and i don't know what i
would do without him. he has been such a joy in my life,
always there for me even when my dad wasn't. he was like
my dad, and he has always been so involved in my life. i
regret now not seeing him that much in the past couple
years, but i still have time to change that. he is the
only one of my family who ever actually said they loved me
for the longest time, and even now he and my mom are the
only ones who do. he is such a great person, i never want
him to leave me, but i know he will have to one day. i am
just not ready yet. i want him to see me graduate college,
get married, have grandbabies, and show him that i can make
something out of my life. i really miss my friends, the
ones here and the ones at schools. kari is the bestest
girl in the whole world. she has been sooo supportive and
understanding of me, even when matt has embarrassed the
crap out of me she understood. she has really grown up a
lot from that girl i always argued with in high school. i
thank her sooo much for being there for me these past few
months, and i know our relationship is even stronger
because of it. lynz, i am sure you will read this and i
just want to let you know that you are the best. i miss
all of our times hanging out together and having fun, and i
hope that we will be able to do it a lot more next year. i
hate that i haven't been able to get closer to amanda, and
i think that a lot of mine and kristi's problems stem from
me being gone, because most of the time when i am here we
get along fine. it's so hard being torn in the middle
between relationships, with no one really understanding how
you feel. its pretty much one extreme or the other. i
really just need some time by myself right now to get
through this semester with some decent grades, and without
all the drama that my life has been full of lately. i am
not gonna give up my dreams or desires ever, becuase that
is what keeps me going. i could be alright without anyone
if i had just my goals, but i am glad that i have other
people. they are what make me really experience life. but
i still just need to deal with alot of things, and i am not
sure how to yet. i almost want to change carreer paths,
but i am so afraid to. i really want to do child psych,
but things are getting monotonous, and i don't know if i
want to do it just becuase that's what i have always said i
wanted to do, or becuse i really want to. now that i am in
the english program, i am loving it. it's so much fun, and
i think the comm degree will work nicely with it. its
always been my secret desire to write, and this would
really give me a chance to, if not write, at least edit or
something. however, it seems like i am gonna need to be
the big bread winner in the family, and i don't thinkt hat
editing is going to do taht, at least not at first. i also
am screwing up matt's plans becuase of grad school. i
still want to get my phd, that's just not really an issue,
so that means about 5 more years of school. i feel like i
am keeping him from doing what he wants, but at the same
time i will not compromise my dreams. that's unimaginable
to me. i am also afraid of putting my career about my
family, but it's always a very realistic problem. i have
been told all my life to make something out of myself. i
don't wnat just an ordinary 9-5 job either. i want
somehting fun and exciting, even if i have to work til 2am
because of it. i also want my religion to play a bigger
role in my life more than it does now. i feel like i have
been neglecting God, and that alot of the craziness in my
life is because of that. church used to be so important to
me, but now i go only every once in a while. i want to go
more, but it's so hard to get up in the morning sometimes,
especially since matt doesn't want to. i want him to know
that although it may seem like i am blaming him for many
things, a lot of it is my own fautl as well. if i really
want to bring religion back into my life, that's something
I"M going to have to do on my own. I guess i just need to
make a list of all the stuff i want to do, and change, and
make sure i actually do it, and don't comprimise on the
things that are really really important. ok i know this is
like ten pages long now, but it was what i needed.

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