My Spiritual Quest
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2001-05-28 13:58:14 (UTC)

Sunday, May 27, 2001

I have been keeping journals for several years now. I
finally decided that an online journal would be helpful so
that I could receive feedback from others. Keeping journals
has been a way for me to process all of the emotions and
thoughts that always seem to clutter my brain. I began
journaling 7 years ago as a result of postpartum depression
after the birth of my first son. I have been hospitalized 4
times over the years for depression and anorexia nervosa.
Although I believe that much of this was due to a bad
marriage, I am still learning to cope with everyday
problems and battle with my emotions to simply live an
ordinary life.
I married young, 19 years old, and stayed married for
almost 8 years. Our lives grew apart and as intensely as we
were once in love, was as intense as we hated one another.
My ex-husband has custody of our 7 year old son. They live
about 5 hours away from me, making my relationship with our
son very hard. A lot of what happened over the past few
years has been completely out of my control. People tend to
listen to those with the largest bank account. During the
divorce, I stayed with my family for a month. After
receiving the divorce papers, every lawyer in my home town
told me that I would need an attorney from the city where
the divorce was being filed. I left the security of my
family's home and stayed in a homeless shelter for a month
in the city where my ex-husband and son were living.
Pressures from the living situation and pressures from my
ex-husband created a most unbearable lifestyle. I didn't
have any money, my family could not help me, I felt utterly
helpless and hopeless. The pressure became too much and I
signed the divorce papers to get my ex-husband off my back.
The divorce papers, well, they were totally against me; but
without an attorney of my own, I felt that I had no choice
but to sign them. I must pay child support, of course, and
according to the papers, my visitation with our son must be
supervised. I noted several errors in the papers, including
that I continue paying on a car that was repossessed.
The marriage ended with a lot of resentment on his part. I
did some things that I should not have. I cheated on him.
It was my fault that the marriage ended and he will not let
me forget that. Throughout the marriage he always got what
he wanted no matter what, even if it put us in financial
straights. He was a control freak. My psychologists could
vouch for that. It has been over two years since the
divorce. I am quite behind on child support payments, and I
learned this past Friday that he has taken it up with the
state to collect the money from me. Being naive as I am, I
believed him when he told me not to worry about the child
support until I was out of college. I fear that I am in
serious trouble, now. I am scared that the state will force
me to quit school and get a full-time job. I am so close to
reaching my goals. I only have one more year of school
left. Just like always, my ex-husband will control my life
until I die. That's what he always wanted.

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