the life of me
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2002-04-19 22:19:00 (UTC)

April 19, 2002

april 19, 2002

today was 'one of those days.' i had a trig. test, disected
a grasshopper, ran the mile, then found out that my best
friend is on the verge of having a girlfriend. i'm happy
for russ, i really am. i'm glad he's finally out there...
taking chances... like i told him to do. i feel so guilty
for all this. when they break up he'll be crushed, and i'll
feel like it was partly my fault. that and my feelings for
him. i should've told him that i've loved him since
forever. that i need him. that i can't stop thinking about
him. that he's the only guy i've ever felt this way about.
but deanne got him. he's so sprung on her. he can't stop
talking about her, which means i can't stop aching.
everytime he says something about her i want to crawl into
a hole and cry, never come out, never let anyone see me,
never see anyone. it just hurts. i've tried so hard, for so
long to get him out of my head. to stop loving him. but can
you ever just STOP being in love?! if you can, i certainly
can't find the way. *sigh* it'll be even worse when they're
officially together. i know it's gonna happen. he's never
been so serious about a girl before. i'm sure i'd like her
if i got to know her. i got to know lauryn under the same
circumstances, why not deanne too? and i have all the more
reason to, now that i'll have to get used to her being
around or else not talk to russ. i couldn't do that. i
could never just leave him. i wish he could see in my eyes
the way i feel. i wish he could read through me like i can
to him. but being a guy, i guess it's to much to ask of
him. i don't know why i love him, i just do. and this whole
deanne thing really makes me feel insugnifficant. i'm
just 'one of those' now. i was someone who wasn't good
enough, who he didn't feel comfortable with, who wasn't
his 'type.' i'll never be good enough. not for love. at
least that's how i feel. i guess i could find love if i
looked hard enough. but truth is, i really don't want it
unless it's from him. why is life so damn hard? why do i
have to be in love with my best friend? why can't i find
the right guy and love him and date HIM and be with HIM!!!!
everything would be great. but i have found the right guy.
he's 5'8, black hair, filipino, strong, funny, sweet, loud,
talented, and i can talk to him like no one else. russy's
the right guy. i knew that from day one! but he doesn't
know it, i thought he felt the same once upon a time, but i
was only kidding myself. you lied to me russ, you told me i
didn't have to dream anymore. well, i don't see you here
holding my hand and making everything right... so i guess i
do have to dream.