2002-04-19 17:05:43 (UTC)

uh ho

hmmmmmm. should this diary be found out by a certain
someone, he's instantly know it was me! cuz, i can't write
any differently than i talk. oh well.

so, this sunday, i get a phone call from todd. he's
hanging out and asks if i'd like some company. come on,
now! we all know what that means! and, i have to say that
it was all very awkward to have him over, knowing exactly
what would happen. and, yes! it did. god! i forget
about what an awesome body he has and man! is he just soooo
good! it's as if we both know what makes the other one
satisfied and pleasured. is that funky? i swear, if
anyone was my soulmate, it would be todd. it isn't just
the physical contact that the two of us have together, it's
the way that we work well together. the way we can
communicate with each other. it's the looks, the body
language, the silence. but! where am i going with this?
no where! he's still seeing tina and i'm still in love
with scottie. which, also, brings me could i
sleep with another man, when i'm supposedly in love with
scottie? probably because i can breakdown the difference
between love and sex. and, i'm not in love with todd.
it's just the physical need with him. or, is it?

yesterday, i found myself very confused and very sad. it
was weird. not so much sad, sad, but more of a melancholy
mood. sort of, out of it. at first i didn't want to do
anything but sleep. but, i laid there contemplating all
that i wanted to do and all that i've ever started and
never finished. that's the story of my life. begin a
project and never finishing it. it's sad, really. so, i
went for a run and made a determination to get back out
there and live life. i'm beginning to feel, sort of, like
i'm in hybernation. sort of like, a bear. what the hell
is with that? i know that with scottie gone, i'm
constantly in search of a companion. is that it? is that
what i'm doing?

do i want a companion out of life? i don't want marriage?
or, do i? i know that when scottie started talking about
marriage, i got excited. i thought to myself, here's a guy
that i'm totally in love with and he wants to marry me.
we'll explore the world together. travel, play and grow
old together. and, that's what i want. could this happen
with just a companion?