Life as I know it.
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2001-05-28 05:45:04 (UTC)

sunday sunday sunday

SUndays bite. THere is nothing ever to do on a
Sunday. WHy is that? So today i met a few friends and we
went to taco bell (cheap eating) and then to a local place
where we usually go for a few drinks, then back to chill at
ones house. My friends roommate is a director of indie
films and im an extra..only if i can make the date cause of
work and shit...but think me, in a movie, very cool.

So I returned Matt's stuff today and gave him the CD I
made him...I dont care if he listens to it or not, just for
the fact that I had to get it out of my possession cause it
upset me, cause they are all songs that remind me of him
and us. I cant even listen to it, I mean I can listen to
the songs but not in that order cause I remember when I
made it...I cried making it...hence the association. Part
of me wanted to chicken out about giving it to him...but I
didnt...okay i did at first, but I dont know, I just felt i
had to get it out of this apartment...and no its not a way
of making him go back out with me, but see, he thought he
didnt make me happy, but he did, and I just kinda want him
to know that I still care, and that I still love him no
matter what and i really want this whole friends thing to
work out so much cause he's actually a wonderful person, he
honestly isnt like anyone I ever met before...he does
things and says things that outrage me, but not to the
point where I'd hate him...most other people I would hate
by this point if they did/said the same shit, but with him,
I dont know, it was just him, I always accepted him for who
he was...and he did for me, or so I thought. Ugh Im really
depressing myself right now...I still miss how he feels
with his arms wrapped around me, his heartbeat i could hear
when i laid next to him, everything about him, everything
everything fucking everything. And you know what really
sucks? Everytime I see an old couple walking around
holding hands all I can think of is that could have been
Matt and I. I have good days and I have bad days on how I
feel without him. I always miss him, I think of him almost
constantly, and the cold reality sets in that we arent
together...and everyone talks about how they always break
up with their significant other and they eventually always
get back together...but you know what? SOmetimes I believe
it, sometimes I dont...I know only time will tell...wish it
would tell soon and tell me what I want to happen, but life
hardly ever works out like that, you know what you want to
happen? It doesnt. I've figured this out numerous times,
and everytime I always hope what i want to happen does, it
doesnt. And in the end, that sucks, nothing like getting
your hopes up and then having someone squash them like a