nohbody special

4/19/02 1:50 am

This was the first time i have cried since we won
nationals at deca. I didnt cry when i found out about
jake, or julies friend even though everyone around me
was or wanted to. It wasnt like i was bawling my eyes
out but i was IMing with jess and jess and i just started
crying. I guess everything really isnt as bad as ive
made it out to be but im finding that im not really
responsible at all. I blew a ton of money without
realizing it and now its gonna fuck me over. I cant get
myself to get to class on a regular basis...i havent gone
at all this week. I am starting to think that i shouldnt be
this far away from people who will nag me about small
stuff. I cant beleive i just thought that....oh well maybe
its true....or maybe i just need to get the fuck off my ass
and stop being stupid.

this needs to be recorded somewhere that i wont loose
it.
Life Is Beautiful/University District/Sun March 31/12:33
pm: Officer Thompson was patrolling the Ave on a
marked police bicycle when an unknown woman ran
up to him and asked him to conduct a welfare check on
an apartment just off the Ave. The tenant, she
explained, had not left the apartment in seven or 10
days. Officer Thompson cycled to the apartment and
knocked on the door. There was no response. "Using
the manager's key," writes Officer Thompson, "we
entered the apartment. The victim [a man in his early
20s] was inside, clearly deceased, with an obvious
self-inflicted gunshot wound under his chin. The victim
had left his computer on with a note on the screen that
said: 'And the really funny thing is that I'm not really all
that sad right now. I just... don't know/It seems like the
natural thing to do. Y'know? (Are you supposed to put
[a] question mark at the end of a rhetorical question?)'"
At the bottom of the screen, the victim typed, "Life is so
beautiful."

In loving memory of Jacob Barker, a man i loved,
possibly the first but hopefully not the last.

Why is it that the ones we love always end up hurting
us when they hurt themselves.

things that i need to say but dont have the courage to
*note this has changed due to actually saying things in it*
"christina i alone *i typed that when i meant to hit the
keys for love* you"

notice a pattern i know i do. maybe its just that jakes
death has my emotions closer to the surface and my
nihilsm at an all time high.