Older person getting older: Thoughts
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A love God demanded; be undone
My drink has, no doubt, taken its toll. Yes drunk, I am
and will to be. Tonight; the alcohol soothes me. This
bottle is my shelter. A reminder of finer days (and
nights). My drunken state places me at odds within myself.
Memories run rampant. I could laugh if willed, or cry. I
could cheer the proudest day or mourn the losses. It's been
so long since I felt these ironies.
Judge not me; for I am worthy of drink (and drink I
shall). Instead hear what I say, dear diary. Lesson to my
memory of love. Love that could have been, but never was.
Love that God himself commanded; be undone.
The Mississippi sky was a sea in itself, ambiguous in
color. Bold in prescense. The sun; a day-star fiery to my
skin. It came with a swiltering moisture that damned all
who dared from shelter.
I stepped from the bow of my ship and breathed the heavy
air. I hailed a cab and headed to the only bar in town.
Once there I met my shipmates; a rowdy crew. I never felt
in place with them, but I stayed just the same. They were
after all my shipmates. We drank our poison, as in so many
days prior. That is until I noticed her.
Her, with hair so red and long. Though she sat with a
friend, I knew she was unaccompanied by any other means.
My friends approved. I marched my steps proudly.
I introduced myself. She smiled and replied "My name is
Becky". We talked for minutes. Then without making any
great advances I found my way back to the bar. Thinking I
had lost the chance; the shipmates and I continued the
Hours later, a whisper in my ear..."I'm going home. If
you want to come, I'll take you back to the ship in the
morning." I turned to verify the face of the utterings. I
knew at a glance she spoke those words before. A look to my
buddy, a smile of reassurance "ok".
I took her hand and guided her out the door.
Now this I tell you honestly, I imagined a night of
unsolicited sex; no strings; no call backs. But all that
faded as I saw her truck... an old beat to death vehicle
from the 60's. I remember thinking " its the same truck
Supermans parents drove". We didn't speak during the drive.
I to drunk to notice the scenery, except a water tower
saying Gulfport. I saw through the headlights, the road of
dirt; an almost white sand. She slowly made her way to
holding my hand. I looked to her, but knew she was to
nervous for conversation. So I let her simply drive.
She lived in a trailer park. I laugh at the memory. I
remember thinking she was the poorest person I had ever
met, yet so beautiful. She took me into her house and sat
me on the couch. She asked if I were hungry, "No" I
replied " "but thank you".
I grabbed her hand and slowly pulled her to the the sofa.
I kissed her. A slow soft kiss, meant to reassure her. She
whispered " I'll be right back" then made her way to the
bedroom. She returned a few moments later wearing a nighty.
It was black and two sizes to big. It seemed that it would
have fit the friend she had left at the bar. I smiled as
she sat next to me. I touched her cheek, and kissed her
neck. Soon she lead me to the bedroom.
The song, "I can't make you love me" by Bonnie Raitt
played on the radio.
I laid her onto the bed. Undressed myself. The look in
her eyes told me she hadn't had very many partners. I took
the straps down from her gown, and gentlty removed her
satin coverings. Her breathe turned heavy as I climbed into
the bed. I kissed her once more, gentle, yet with meaning.
Then I heard words that I will never forget as long as I
live. She said so sweetly "If you hit me, I won't leave
"What?" I questioned.
"If you hit me, I won't leave you".
I knew then, she had be done so awefully wrong. She was
as innocent as the signs she had been letting out. "I would
never hurt you". I demanded.
"But if you did..." she re-encouraged.
"Stop, I could never hurt you. No one should ever hurt
you. And you shouldn't feel like its ok, if they do?"
"I'm sorry" she said with a tear.
"No" I explained " don't be sorry, you're so beautiful.
Dont' ever think its ok to let someone hurt you".
She repsonded by a kiss. Then our naked bodys became
one. We made love into the night.
Later, we laid in bed holding each other. I knew in my
heart I could fall in love with her. I knew she needed to
fall in love with me. A man that could never hurt her. We
talked our lovers words, then fell asleep in each others
arms. In the morning, she kept her promise and brought me
back to the ship. she gave me her phone number and I
promised to call during lunch.
The call went like planned. We talked about the night and
made plans to meet after work. I could tell by her voice,
she was still nervous. I thought; What man could harm such
a gentle girl.
Back on duty, the call went out "General Quarters,
General Quarters all hands man their battle stations!!!"
Not knowing what the hell was going on I ran to the radio
shack. I took my place at the beside the Telecommunications
Operator. He charged "Take this message to the Captain".
"Aye Sir" I opened the folder to read the message. "Holy
shit" I thought, then took to the bridge as fast as I
could. Once on the Bridge, I yelled "Radioman on Deck".
The Captain sturn as a board "what the hell is it?"
"A message Sir" I responded
"Well what does it say?" He gripped.
" Hurricane Andrew is to hit Pascagoula and we have to
leave port Sir!"
The Captian took the message and I headed back to the
Two hours later we were leaving the shipyard. I had heard
that town folk had gotten word we were leaving, and they
were gathering around the pennisula just off the coast. I
ran to the catwalk. So many people were waving their
inpromtu goodbyes. I looked hard for Becky, but the crowd
was to great.
24 hours, and one hell of a storm later we returned to
the undamaged port. Pascagoula hadn't been hit at all.
Instead, the storm had skipped into the Gulf of Mexico;
straight into us. She rocked our shipped something awefull.
We had all been strickened with terrible sea sickness,
better that then the damage of being crushed beside the
The Captain came over the 1-MC "All hands have 24 hrs
liberty. Get your things in order, we leave for San Diego
in the morning."
San Diego? We're going home? But Becky, I have to find
Becky. I rushed to the phone booth, reached for my
wallet...it was gone. NO! Her numbers in my wallet? I
returned to my ship, and back to my bunk. I searched
everwhere, but couldn't find the damned wallet, or number.
I caught a cab to the bar. No one had seen her. I tried to
find her house, but couldn't remember the way.I searched
all that day and into the night. Finally I had to give up.
The ship was leaving and I had to be on it.
Again the crowd gathered, I swore I saw her, but we were
to far from shore to be sure.
I Cried so hard as I watched the land slowly disappear.
I never saw Becky again.