Oh,The Insanity
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2002-04-19 06:16:07 (UTC)

Ah, the Pain that ebbs...

I really miss Adam. More than I miss Marcus...maybe
because Marcus lives in NC and I've never met him? Or maybe
because I only like Marcus. I tried to read to distract
myself from the overwhelming urge to cry and hide in my
room, and it only made me realize I lost the only good
thing in my life. Adam called me the other nite and we
talked about the new people in our lives...and I wanted to
die everytime he mentioned Jenn or Corinne. I wanted to
curl up and hide myself from the ineveitable fact that he's
never coming back, that he's moved on, that I mean
nothing. I wish I could turn back time so I could right
the wrongs and heal the hurt before it started. *Josh, if
you're reading this (and I know you are) don't even fucken
say it.* My heart has been ripped out and I don;t know if
it can be replaced...or if I just don't want to. I don't
want a meaningless relationship, but I know I will never be
able to feel for anyone else what I felt for Adam and the
knowledge of this makes me cry. I want him to hold me and
say "everything will be okay" and I want him to mean
it...but mostly, I just want him to be there. Since the
beginning of our relationship, I wanted only one thing; to
spend 48 hours with him, only him, in an apartment. I
didn't want sex or anything like that, I only wanted him to
hold me, to be able to wake up and watch him sleep, to
smell his skin on the pillow next to me. And when he asked
me to move to London with him, I thought, definitly. Mainly
because I can see myself living with him...anyone else
would probably go insane from my lack of...sanity. He
knows my moods, my actions and my thoughts. He can tell
what I'm thinking just by looking at me. Oh christ, I
sound like a freak. I guess what I'm saying is, there's no
one I can live with, because he's the only one who's that
familiar with my habits, my actions and just ME in general.
That's all I wanted to say...I'm going to go to sleep now.