Nellie

hmmmm

i feel horible. my so called friend doesn't want to have
anything to do with me. I know that this means that i
should just say "then fuck you. you arn't worth being my
friend" but what the fuck is that lie going to prove.
actually that sounds like a really good fucking idea. the
thing is i am too fogivfull, everyone knows that if they
needed me no matter what they said about me or how much we
hated each other i would help them how ever i could.
maybe i need to get new friends. how the fuck should i
acomplish this??. i feel like shit. what the fuck ever.
friends are worthless anywaze. i have me. thats all i
need right?? we all know that that isn't true. i miss
sandee. on a higher note matt and i are doing wonderfull
together, although right now we are both sick (can just see
eric saying "good" right now(i can't figure out why i still
care about him. not in any way as a friend of course but i
still care. i think it may be because i did the wronging
and havn't fixed it. i don't know if i even should. i miss
him though. and his friends and family. i guess it
doesn't matter though. question. whats the point of
having a boy/girl friend? all that happens is that you get
hurt. its only a matter of time. i just asked eric what
he wanted his letter to be about. i bet hes in shock. i
know he thinks im a bitch. I know i am. but i said i would
so i am going to. i have writen it in my head so many
times it isn't even funny. now to just do it physically.
he hasn't responded. shit. i asked him if he even wanted to
talk to me. he said he didn't know. hmm....can't be
good. i said ok. ilt seems like we switch. he'll want to
talk, and i wont. then i will and he wont. oh well, only
the goddess knows what the fuck will happen. it isn't in
my hands anymore. "mother goddess, of everything both
material and spiritual, i ask for your help. please help
me figure out what needs to be done between my friends and
i. Please do this for the greater good of all those
involved. i ask for you blessing" ) I talked to jace, my
online boyfriend from a year ago. that was wonderfull. i
also talked to dany. damn that awesome. i miss my
chatting days. back when i was happy. i am happy now
don't get me wrong. but then i was happy without meds.
This is a common mistake though. don't think that im
saying my meds are making me happy. what im saying is that
i can't seem to be happy without them. they don't make me
happy, they let me make myself happy. before my brain
would go "hey fucker you shoould be happy" and my brain
would reply " well fucker, im not so what should be done
now" then they would both shrug and come to the common
agreement to just pretend. Of course at the time i didn't
realize that this was all hapening but it was none the
less. no they actually get a hint and just amplify that. i
wonder if there will be a time when i actually get the full
efect. well i'll be fucked up the goat ass. i didn't
realize that i can't actually be fully happy now. hmmm
guess something to say to the psychiatrist wednessday. ok
i need sleep. good night and sweat dreams all.