Fishnet Goddess

Rainbows, Ice-a-ma-cream, and Lemonade
2002-04-18 17:21:54 (UTC)

Kill Joe Day

I haven't written in a while because there hasn't been
much to write about. I am getting a different car however,
a 1990 burgundy Pontiac from Ryan's coworker, Terry. It's
in perfect condition, and there's 30,000 less miles than my
dad's old car. So I'm taking my dad's old car back to him
so they can junk it, and I should be getting the other car
on May 1st. 2 weeks. I'm going to get an entire zebra
interior- front and back seat covers, floor mats, and a
steering wheel cover. I am also going to put stickers from
ConRev all over it. It'll be great. The retail value of
that car, because it's rare, is actually up to $4000 (I got
it for $1800). I hope nothing bad breaks on it, because
it's such a rare car that the parts would probably be
expensive to find and install. But whatever...I'm glad I'm
finally getting a car.
Yesterday was annual Kill Joe Day. April 17th, four
years ago, I was raped. As you can probably guess, his name
was Joe. I was a virgin. I don't feel like getting into it,
but I wrote a song about it, so I'll put that in here:

I couldn't explain my bruises
Or the blood dried in my hair
Or why it hurt just to lay down
Or that I still felt you there

You took so many parts of me
Just to take them, not to keep
You left me broken and empty
You left me so I still can't sleep

And I know it never meant anything to you
But I'm still screaming
I know you forget things like this
But I'm still begging
For what I can never have

I wonder if you felt anything
If you ever stopped to think
My blood on you and your hate in me
My shoulders black as ink

There's nothing you could ever do
Nothing anyone could say
To make me forget, to make me feel whole
To give me back this day

And I know it never meant anything to you
But I'm still screaming
I know you forget things like this
But I'm still begging
For what I can never have

Pride and innocence, love and trust
Music and friendship, security and lust
A reason for living, for loving the day
You'll never know what you took away

Fear and hatred, sadness and rain
Suffering hopelessness, choking down pain
Shame and emptiness, worries and tears
It's all staying with me, for all of my years

And I know it never meant anything to you
But I'm still screaming
I know you forget things like this
But I'm still begging
For what I can never have

You threw it all away
You threw it all away
You threw it all away
You threw it all away
You threw it all away.

Isn't it ironic that every year after that, I've been
on my period on April 17th? I knew Joe. That would've
stopped him. I guess I can't turn back time, though. He'll
never know how badly he damaged me, and the others. Yes,
there were more. I was too afraid to press charges, because
Joe had the kind of friends you're afraid of, but some
other girl spoke up. She pressed charges when he raped her,
and he was only locked up for a year and a half. I don't
know how that worked out so well for him. But he's out now.
I saw him on the side of the street once, while I was in
the car with Ryan. I almost threw up. He's a very sick and
scary person. Yesterday was difficult, it always is.
Someday, I hope I can get through an entire April 17th
without feeling the depression.
Today is a better day though, because my boss isn't
here, and I'll probably see Daniel and Laura tonight. I
really wanted to see Laura last night, but she had school
until after 10:00pm. I can't wait to see her!