listen to my silences
2002-04-18 16:23:53 (UTC)

i'm ok

despite everything, i'm ok.

there's something else wrong with
me besides the thing with my ears.
i know, i'm thinking the same
thing...what else could there
possibly be? well, i'm having
random blackout spells. like, i'll
just be doing whatever and i'll
stop, just like that, and be really
still. then i'll either snap out
if it if someone "wakes me up" or
i'll black out. it's weird. it sux
too. i had to quit guard so i
can't march in the parade. i had
to take a leave of absence from
work so i have no income. my rents
have taken my keys and they only
let me drive if someone is going to
be with me. the attacks just come
on randomly, just out of the blue.
i don't even get dizzy most of the
time. i haven't gone to the doctor
yet, but my mom called her and she
said that it sounded like it was
probably seizures. mom has a kid
in her class that has seizures like
this and she said i acted just like
him. jonathon's mom works with
kids who have them, and i think
he's going to ask her. i don't
know though. it's just...weird. i
hate not being independent anymore,
but i'm ok now. i wasn't, haven't
been, but jonathon brought me out
of that. thanks baby.

by the way, none of this is caused
by you. there's no way at all that
it could have been. and you have
helped. no, you can't take it
away. i'm sorry, i wish you could
too. but you fix the one thing
that can be fixed and that's my
attitude. i've been in a good mood
most of the day. i didn't even
think about it when i couldn't go
out to lunch. jamie and shayna
were just like where are we going
and i said i can't drive. and that
was the end of it. if you hadn't
helped me, then i'd be upset. i'm
not. i really am ok. thanks to you.

am i worried about this? maybe
this is bad, but no. see, i figure
that everyone else is worried
enough about it for me that i don't
need to right now. what's the
sense in it? i can't do anything
about it so i'll deal. it's all

am i scared? yeah, when i start
thinking about it. who wouldn't
be. i mean, i'll just be standing
there talking and i'll stop and
stare off into nowhere. like i'm
lost in thought or something. but
it's not thought. it's just this
big black nothing. i dunno. the
only other thing i'm scared about
is the tests. i have to go to a
different doctor and have a whole
bunch of blood tests done. and
megan needles = bad stuff. but
i'm ok.

maybe that doesn't make sense.
that i can be ok through this. but
to me it does. if i say i'm ok,
then i'll think i am. and no
matter what, if i think i'm
something then that's how i reflect
myself. so i'll be in a good mood.
yeah, there will be times when i
won't think that. when it happens
or gets really bad. but if i
ultimately think i'm ok, then i
will be. yeah, i think i mentioned
before that i can't explain
things. oh well. i tried.

other things on my mind right now...

kells-what's up? haven't talked to
you in awhile and was wondering...

i turned eighteen on sunday.
woohoo! it was cool. jonathon
brought me a rose at seven in the
morning and we watched the sun
rise, well peek through the
clouds. it was sweet. he came to
church with me and we worked with
the toddlers and omigosh he will be
such a good father when he has
kids. it was so cute. brodie,
kari, andy, and jonathon all came
over for my birthday. dre called
and we went over there. all in all
it was a very good day. more than
good for those that know...he hee...

i'm hungry. it's lunchtime and i
forgot my money so i'm in the
library typing. oh well.

four day weekend woohoo!!!
tomorrow i'm going to the doctor
hopefully. saturday i'm going to
jonathon's soccer game and to his
play and then to a cast party with
him. sunday i'm going to church
with him and then to his play.
monday i'm supposed to eat lunch
with amanda finally. and sometime
during all that i'll do my big
research project. lol.

oh it has been the weirdest thing
having to find rides everywhere i
want to go. i feel like i'm a
little kid or something. no
offense to those that have to find
rides, it's just different after
having a car since september.

ok, well lunch is almost over so
i'm outta here. later and all and
love to you.

final thought: so you thought you
knew what was going on and then you
found out you were wrong so what do
you think of what's happening here
and what are you going to do? i'm
ok with this so why can't you be too?